Lonely

Have you ever felt so lonely, you just didn’t even know if you could make it out of bed? That even masturbation lost its appeal? That you just wanted to curl up in a ball and cease to exist? I sure have.  Loneliness has been a continuous theme throughout my life. Even as a child, I felt isolated a lot of the time. It has always ebbed and flowed though, and I think it always will. It can be a companion at times, that even if you have no one, you always have your own misery and self-pity. It is a slippery slope to further mental health downfalls, which lets depression, harm and extreme doubt sneak into your life. I have actively been trying to avoid negativity in my life, and don’t want to fall into those dark patterns. How can one stay positive amongst all the negative though?

The thing I certainly have going for me, is I’ve always been an optimist at heart. Luckily 99% of the time I’ve been able to foresee the light at the end of the tunnel at that becomes my driving force. I think that’s all anyone needs, just some shred of light in order to hold on. I’m 3/4 of the way through A Million Pieces by James Frey, it is the story of a young alcoholic and abuser of other drugs and his experience in rehabilitation. This quote really resonated with me, “Be strong. Live honourably and with dignity. When you don’t think you can, hold on.” I think you just need to keep keeping on, and do the best you can, and do the best you can by others, and as Avril Lavigne sings Keep Holding On, let that be your soundtrack and your mantra. All great things take time, even the most privileged of people aren’t handed everything. They still need to fight for love, respect, and much more. Stories like James Frey’s, and countless others are just a testament to the fact it does get better, no matter how low your rock bottom is. I know this to be true because even though I’m nowhere near where I want to be at this exact moment in life, I am positive I’m a lot further along than where I was. At my lowest, I cried every day, I thought about suicide like clockwork, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to see anyone, & I just wanted to die, die, die, and those thoughts consumed me. Today, it’s only every other hour that happens, kidding. Thankfully those thoughts are far and few between, and when I get that gut feeling, I immediately take action on it to nip it in the bud. I reach out to my network of friends and family. To my list of small things that make me happy. Try to accomplish something on my tried and true list that will bring a little light into my life.  So I’d like to take a moment to write down a little collection of things I’m grateful for & that make me happy:

• Fresh Cut Grass & lying in it
• Kissing someone really good
• Lightning and thunderstorms
• Music! (violin, guitar, piano, singing, listening, playing, whatever)
• Fresh baked cookies
• Complimenting friends
• Looking through good memories
• Photography
• cilantro!
• Writing
• My cat, Jimmy
• Decorating cakes, when the icing turns out flawlesssss
• Any random pets or animals really
• Getting asked out by someone you’re crushing on
• Warm cozy blankets on a cold night
• Giggle fits with friends
• Binging an entire series that you’re really into with great snacks
• Seeing your friends accomplish something great
• When your writing looks nice
• Getting a personalized letter in the mail
• Family Dinners
• Dog Tricks
• Sleeping in after a long night
• Memes
• Snuggles

Just some thoughts as I’ve been feeling quite lonely as of late, and wanted to spread the word that it is okay and perfectly normal to feel that way. However, its the actions you take to improve that really count and can truly improve you and your situation, and enable you to “Just Keep Swimming.”  Get off the dating apps…. or get on, get that confidence boost. Post that photo for attention, or just get off social media all together! Do what you need to do to surround yourself with positive energy, and I truly believe the world will come to reward you for that.

What are some of your best ways to combat loneliness? Comment below! I’d love to hear! xoxox

“Love is the whole thing. We are only pieces” Rumi