What’s wrong with being confident?

Despite what some might believe, confidence is something you need to actually work on. Some people are born with inherent confidence of course, but you have to reinforce mentally the thoughts that help perpetuate confidence. I think at the root of it is loving yourself though. If you don’t love yourself and who you are, how can you be confident in what you have to offer?

Now if you’re like, ‘greatttttt I don’t really like myself.’ I have to ask you why? What is it you don’t like about yourself? If its behavioural characteristics… change them.

>>For Example: If you don’t like how you’re always negative. Start exercising positive beliefs. Affirm them to yourself. Wake up each morning and state 5 good things. Next day do 6, then do 7. Reinforce positive patterns. Soon it becomes a little more second-nature. Everything is all within your power. You can change your thought patterns, and help mould them into what you want to be. For every bad thought you have, think of five things that negate it.

Now physically if you have some problem areas you don’t like about yourself, I admit that is a little more challenging to overcome. Now, of course, the generic answer is to change them too. However, that can become very extreme and get out of hand quickly and doesn’t always garner the positive results you expected. So that’s really not a great solution. Although, If you need that boob job to feel confident, do it, get it! That being said, I firmly believe that you can accept the things you cannot change (at least not change easily, safely and cheaply) and be at the very least, at peace with them. So you have a big nose, or small tits, or a bit of a belly. So what? A lot of people do. Nobody’s perfect. Some of the most confident, sexy people are even more alluring because of the fact they embrace and flaunt what some people would deem as flaws. It’s pushing past those barriers that this ‘fault’ you see is what kills you in the water. A big nose doesn’t negate the fact all the other wonderful things you have going for you. It can make you relatable, attainable, and have something for yourself to poke fun at. Lots of positives can just totally cancel that out too. If you have incredible eyes, nobody is looking at your nose. Plus I guarantee something you dislike, others might kill for. Appreciate your body for being your most treasured possession. You could’ve been born a scorpion or penis-fish. Look at your beautiful flesh and bones, and love it! Obviously, people have some deep-rooted self-esteem issues that can’t be fixed by these mere words on a page. But in spite of some insecurities, you can for sure still be an overall confident individual! Also, all the things you are insecure about, most people don’t even notice because they are busy worrying about their own silly insecurities. All the ‘problems’ you think you have are guaranteed not unique to you or new. Everyone has them. Remember we are all in this together.

No one is stopping you from being the best version of yourself except you. Remember, you are in control of your manifest destiny. AKA: Fake it till you make it. If you put yourself out there, and tell yourself you can be confident and work a room… guess what, all of a sudden you sort of can. Put your mind to it and it will start to become a reality. When you feel in control, that’s when you can be your best self. Tell yourself that being uncomfortable is your great strength and that you can turn it around, even when you may not be the smartest or most fun person in the room. If you believe you can, that’s 75% of the battle. Fear holds a lot of people back… don’t let it imprison you!

Speaking of fear, you can’t let it control you. You have to be open to the fact that, you just might make a fool out of yourself. Some people won’t like you. You might say the wrong thing. You might straight-up embarrass yourself sometimes. The sexiest and most confident thing you can do in a moment of weakness is laugh it off. If it doesn’t phase you, and you can laugh along, you’re doing everything right. You aren’t always going to do the right and best thing, and be this suave, Don Juan, and that’s ok! True confidence is just going balls to the wall anyway, and not being upset over possible results, whether they are good or bad. You have to become comfortable with the fact that failure is always an option. Life is too short to not just be yourself, and be comfortable in your own fabulously unique skin!

My evolution of confidence has been quite the arc. Rewind to a decade or two ago and I was a very self-conscious kid. I tried somewhat hard to fit in, in my younger years but found that most of the time, I didn’t. For a brief time it consumed me. I wanted to be liked so bad, and that fear of saying the wrong thing, or conducting myself in an unbecoming manner, and having so much doubt it my own personality and abilities, just made me get worse! My self-esteem and confidence were at an all-time low in middle school. I didn’t really have any close friends at school, and the one I did have was honestly a shitty friend. Luckily, I was blessed that I became a member of a Musical group with mixed ages and genders, that was very tight-knit. I felt confident and like I belonged in the group since we all had a shared talent for music. They were very much, ‘my people.’ This enabled me to not overthink everything I did, and just be myself. Which when I was my own unabashed self, it was the ultimate best and most alluring side of me. I started to come into my own. As I garnered really rewarding friendships outside of school, I started to realize which ‘friendships’ inside school were toxic and doing me no good. Through some just convenient timing of certain ‘friends’ moving away, and myself realizing I deserved more, I became a bit of a loner for the first part of high school. You know what though, even though it was a bit lonely, it made me stronger. I held my head high, as I knew I had amazing friends outside of school and I didn’t care what the snooty kids at my school thought of me. I kept my headphones on in the halls, and ate lunch in the art room most days and just did me, and learned to enjoy my own company. Was it sometimes a little lonely, OF COURSE, but most days I found many comforts in my perfect playlists, and burying my head in art. I was very content in myself and started to hone my own style. After a while, I think my own swagger I had rocking, while most girls at my age in my position would’ve been sad little souls, started to catch the attention of people. They were attracted to my interesting fashion choices and my bold quiet confidence. I quickly acquired a new group of friends. One’s of my selection, who I was excited to be friends with. They were equally excited to be friends with me. How good friendships should be built, with mutual admiration and respect for one another. Once that started to take hold, my confidence skyrocketed even further. These people in school, and outside of it liked me, for my weird, art/music kid quirks and all. My new group of school friends, not only laughed at my weird sexual innuendo jokes but encouraged them! I was riding high on life, and the positive reinforcement from everyone around me really brought it home. Guys started to like me after this, I got a boyfriend, one of the hottest guys at our school. I was on cloud nine!

Ever since then, I’ve faltered. I went through a very deep depression when aforementioned boyfriend broke up with me on my first day of college. My confidence suffered greatly. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. I turned to tumblr & writing to vent my feelings. My friends got tired of hearing about how sad I was and I felt very alone. My confidence was at an all-time low. I was suicidal, and in a big rut, I feared I would never escape. However thank god for some key friends, some new ones at the time, and my family for helping dig me out of that dark hole. I also found the strength in myself that I wanted to be happy, and pulled myself and fought tooth and nail to get out of that darkness. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It took a lot of time, and a lot of persistence to get through. I ended up getting back together with my first mentioned boyfriend, but that’s another huge story for another day. I was able to build my confidence up slowly and surely and recognize my worth. It was a process. Some days I’m much more confident than others, but I always try my best to be. It helps I’m naturally outgoing and enjoy engaging with others. I have a very natural bravado I’m blessed with. These days I am very self-assured in who I am, how I feel, and how I want to feel. I know what I deserve, and know what is pure bullshit. I quickly and swiftly remove anyone or anything that makes me feel lesser than. It’s meant giving up jobs and long friendships, but it made me love myself and love my life. If you ever think things can’t get better, I’ve been to the lowest of lows, strangling myself with my laptop charger, to now writing to you on my laptop how grateful I am that I am able to do this now. So chin up, walk like you own the place and are on the catwalk, and go get em’ tiger! You can do it, I know it! ❤ xx

The Grass is always greener…..

….On the other side, or is it where you water it? That is the age old question! I’ve found myself wrestling with this idea ironically on the day of green, St. Patricks Day. I had one too many shots of Jameson’s and got my Irish eyes smiling, perhaps a little too much. With my new boyfriend on my arm, I was having a lot of fun with him. However, we weren’t glued to each other the whole day, and I had some other male attention. Male attention from some dudes who, a couple months ago, I would be very keen to flirt away with. It was an ultimate test in how invested I am in my new boyfriend. Who, full disclosure, I’ve recently had a couple little bumps in the road with, that made me contemplate the longevity of how long we are going to be lasting here. It’s so easy to meet a charming gentleman, who fits your ideal and want that new exciting romance again, and you just get swept off your feet a little bit. Meanwhile, I’ve been cultivating a wonderful relationship with my current man. It slaps you in the face quite quickly of being confronted with how satisfied you are with your current relationship. Not saying I’m going to go cheat on him or dump the guy right then and there, I’m not like that AT ALL, but it gets you thinking, am I missing out on something potentially better? Is there perhaps a better match for me? You start taking inventory of your needs. Is my boyfriend good for me? Does he enhance my life? Will this work long-term? Do my friends like him? Can I live with him? All these whirlwind questions start nagging at you, eating away at your brain slowly. Then as you start answering them, some clarity appears. You start answering with yes, my friends do love him, I could see myself living with him, he does enhance my life. Which is where I make a conscious decision not to run from love. I want to embrace my man for all he is. In the areas where he perhaps is a little lacking, I need to ‘water’ the grass, and work for our relationship. Make it the perfect fit. Relationships take work and don’t come easy. Everyone at this age has some baggage, and you just have to learn how to take a vacation with it. New love is scary. God knows I’m a little terrified of it yet. I’m not sure I am in love yet, but I certainly can say I am falling. I’m going to give it every ounce of myself I can muster to make it succeed as well because if anything is worth your hard work, it is your happiness and searching for great love. So instead of comparing, I am tending my own garden, making it flourish in any way I know how, and I encourage everyone else to make the most of what they have, and be grateful for having it!

tumblr_pjawms345f1wspo6go1_500

nyctinasty

“If you’ve ever taken a late-night stroll through a garden, you may have noticed that certain flowers, much like people, tend to retire after the sun goes down.

But flowers that close up at night, such as tulips, hibiscus, poppies and crocuses, aren’t sleepy. They’re just highly evolved.

Plants that tuck themselves in for bedtime exhibit a natural behavior known as nyctinasty. Scientists know the mechanism behind the phenomenon: In cool air and darkness, the bottom-most petals of certain flowers grow at a faster rate than the upper-most petals, forcing the flowers shut.

But scientists are not quite sure why some plants, particularly flowers, evolved this way. There are several theories, though.

Charles Darwin believed that plants close up at night to reduce their risk of freezing. Another theory suggests that nyctinastic plants are conserving energy — and perhaps their odor — for the daytime, when pollinating insects are most active.

Some scientists believe that this self-serving behavior prevents pollen from becoming wet and heavy with dew. Insects can more easily transfer dry pollen, improving a nyctinastic plant’s likelihood of successful reproduction.

And one fascinating idea holds that nyctinasty is a highly evolved defense mechanism against a plant’s nocturnal predators. By closing up tight, the flowers in your garden create a clearer view of the ground for nighttime hunters, like owls, who kill off flower-munching herbivores out looking for a midnight snack.” – Elizabeth Palermo

https://www.livescience.com/34569-why-flowers-close-at-night-nyctinasty.html

I feel like I am constantly going into nyctinasty. When the fuck boys come out at night, I close up, and protect myself. Even when the good guys come and want to date me, NOPE, I close up, and close off. My friend re-affirmed to me the other night, that I am a commitment-phobe. Which is really funny to me, because I never would use that word to describe myself in the past, but these days…. it is really true. It is not that I want to be at all either! That’s why it is so ironic. I feel as though I am Ted from How I Met Your Mother for pretty much the majority of that show. I am a desperate romantic looking for love. Yet every time I get close, self-sabotage occurs, or just plain bad luck ensues. I think I’m hung up on old ideas of love and past lovers too, that I’m unwilling to accept small flaws of potential new suitors, which is a toxic way of thinking. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. So even though I’m a beautiful flower, who deserves some rest and protection. I want to be an open Lily, and blossom 24/7, not just when the suns out. xox

tumblr_pdx4exmykj1w0xfuko1_540

investing in yourself

Just thought I’d steal a quote from the love guru, Matthew Hussey:

“NEVER, EVER, EVER INVEST IN A GUY BASED ON HOW MUCH YOU LIKE HIM. INVEST BASED ON HOW MUCH HE INVESTS IN YOU.”

I myself always get caught up in dating, that once I decide I like a guy, I fall hard and fast, and I put him on a pedestal in my brain. No matter how perfect a guy is, its detrimental to have the mentality that he’s above you and this untouchable human, whose wonderful in every conceivable way. It negates you keeping standards as well as finding out who the man sitting in front of you truly authentically is, rather than your projected version of the ideal candidate. I get it, it’s so easy to do. You think, finally, a guy I click with, who ticks most if not all of the main boxes! That’s so dangerous though because if you suddenly pour yourself & efforts into him it can come off way too strong and clingy. Its crucial men can feel at ease in the early stages of dating you, or they simply won’t want to date you.

One of my favourite sayings when playing cards (yes I’m 25 going on 80, what of it?) is, ‘your hands are bleeding’ meaning, your cards are showing! While I am a strong advocate of being your authentic self, & being open and honest, you can’t show off your whole hand right away. Play those spades, & clubs first, and let him work to get you diamonds, and finally your hearts. Take him outdoors, cut loose dancing with him & don’t expect to be spoiled until he truly can’t help but spoil you! Trust you’ll be reigning as Queen of Hearts in no time if you take time to cultivate a solid foundation based upon an equal playing field.

Precisely why I thought I’d take a moment of your day to tell you. You deserve strong, true, easy love. However, if you think you’ve found it, keep yourself in check! Don’t get ahead of yourself too fast, take some reality checks along the way. Remember they are a human with flaws, and that’s okay. Match their investment level & keep your heels and your head high! xx

“A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.” – Gregory Benford

Go on now go

If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-five years here on earth, it’s that if people want you in your life, you will be in it. Simple as that. There’s no ifs and buts if you want my company, you will make it happen. I’ve tolerated too many half-ass relationships (friends & romantically) and have come to the conclusion, that I’m through with your sorry ass, if you can’t reciprocate the effort I’m giving you! Never chase love & affection, if it is not given freely, for one, it’s not worth having, and secondly, they don’t want you bad enough. Know your worth. It has taken me years to feel worthy of a great love, and some days, I feel as if I don’t deserve it truthfully. However, I’m a strong, confident woman, who knows, I’m a mother-fucking-prize & whoever I choose to date next better treat me as such. My friend told me something which sounds a little off & harsh at first take, but I think its actually so on point, he said ‘date someone who worships you & thinks you’re a goddess.’ If you have someone who just absolutely adores you, they won’t fuck around with you, and they will make you feel so loved. Isn’t that all we want to be at the end of the day, adored and loved beyond anything? I know I do. So tell those fuckboys to fuck off & drop anyone who isn’t putting in an adequate amount of effort. Also, check yourself. Maybe it’s you that is not putting in the effort? If you aren’t, ask yourself why, and make a change either way! Either cut them off nicely and concisely or get your ass in gear and start being a good friend/romantic partner! I struggle with the fact that I’m an outgoing go-getter, who goes after what they want. So when I know I like someone, I go all in, which can and has scared a lot of guys off. I like my attitude though, I think more people need to be upfront in what they want (just don’t be a creep about it!) For myself though it can be difficult to know when I need to pull back and see if they are as into it as I am. I’ve been trying to be very self-aware of this as of late. Difficult doesn’t even begin to explain it because when I like someone, I want more than anything to shower them in attention and affection! That is how I realize though, someone needs to treat me and that its love that happens when it’s two people trying to outdo one another. Each person should feel as though one another treats them as a god/goddess. So if you aren’t getting that great effort, I’m sorry, but its time to say goodbye! It’s scary at first, but it will feel so liberating after, I promise! Not too mention, a good dose of fear, can make some people who were on the fence, come back full-force with their tail between their legs on occasion! So I did some cleaning-house today with some guys and I feel pretty relieved to be rid of some of these draining relationships. Here’s to better days & better loving. xx

If you’re happy & you know it, Clap your hands

I feel like I’m in limbo. I’ve got all these amazing, happy, euphoric happenings going on, that I am so elated about; however, on the flip side, I’ve been having some really low lows, & been experiencing a lot of bad luck as of late. In stride, its great, because the lows, really make you appreciate the highs. So I’m feeling balanced, but simultaneously I also feel incredibly off balance. I’m a firm believer in karma, & I feel as though I have racked up a lot of good karma as of late, so I’d be lying if I wasn’t frustrated with the lack of follow-through I’m getting with it. You will never regret kindness so I always strive to practice kindness daily & I believe it truly enriches your life. So I’m hopeful good things are coming my way, & I’m on the precipice of greatness.

My scattered thoughts, that I’m not really capable of penning out eloquently today are the following:

Foo Fighters are an absolutely incredible band, & David Grohl is such a joy and breath of fresh air to watch on stage. If you ever can afford to see them, go!
Dating is the easiest but also most challenging task a mid-twenties person can take on. I’m getting pretty tired of the song & dance, and just making decisions about it. Where’s my prince charming I’m head over heels for, that reciprocates those feelings, at already!?
Your health comes first! I haven’t always practiced this, because by nature I’m a people pleaser & do what’s needed of me always, no matter what. However, you must know when you need a break, mentally or physically & take the self-care in order to do so. I’m trying harder to remember this & am better at recognizing when I need a break.
I feel like I need a hike up in the mountains, any takers?

Anyways, thanks for reading my random array of thoughts today. Ask me some questions! Also, go outside, & listen to some Foo Fighters!

Ha Ling Peak – taken by yours Truly

Growth

Blink-182 always comes to my head & serenades me with “Nobody likes you when you’re twenty-three,” and I truly believe they hit the nail on the head with that statement. Nobody ever told me nobody likes you at twenty-five though either. I feel as though from about twenty-two to at present twenty-five plus, you’re floundering. You’re old enough to know better yet young enough to still be figuring it all out. And it’s scary! How am I expected to balance a perfect budget and simultaneously live it up in my twenties! It’s a near impossible task! I’ve mostly been doing that latter as of late. Coming out of a six-year relationship, I was determined to make the most of my twenties, and really experience everything that a single twenty-five could. It’s been grand, but the dark consequences of some of my actions have really come to a head as of late. I’m in the hole for twelve grand in personal debt, & that is before you tack on my $252,876.00 debt on my mortgage. It just racked up so quickly, and what’s another $100, when you’re already thousands in debt? I had that ‘YOLO’ (you only live once) attitude, that I needed to travel, to indulge and to squeeze out every experience possible. Which I still maintain is very important for both my sanity & life experience, however, I’ve really got to start being more fiscally responsible. This is before delving into being more responsible as a friend, lover, & a something in-between. From all of this stress that has to seem to pop up out of nowhere literally these past couple weeks, I’ve done some soul searching; as well as, have had some very cathartic talks with some lovely humans I’m blessed to have in my life. I’ve come to a few conclusions from all of this.

You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick in the first place!
Start budgeting! Like actually, physically write it out, and stick to it! You cannot do it accurately in your head! My friends all suggested the app Mint and so far, I really like it, its stupid easy to use, and does all the work for you!
Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool!
Accomplish one thing a day that’s productive (no matter how small,) do one thing a day that makes someone else happy, & do one thing a day that makes you happy!

Twenty-five is exhilarating, scary & so much fun. I’m focusing on myself and my relationships between my friends & family. Trying to grow a strong base of which to bloom from.

xx Nikki