Dildo Daze

So I tried my first dildo yesterday! 

How’s that for an opening line? You’re also probably shocked, with me, being a connoisseur of sex advice and owning a blog entitled Sexual Innuendo, its often shocking to everyone I don’t own any sex toys…. until now. There goes my go-to ‘never have I ever.’ Alas, all good things must come to an end, and my steady supply of dick has been rather unavailable as of late, so dildo here we come! As to why I’ve never owned one, I’ve thought about it tons, but just never felt compelled enough to bother investing. Luckily I’ve been blessed in my twenty-six years on the planet, that I can usually get a good dicking pretty easily. I’ve also never had a partner ever be into toys, so it’s just never really happened. This though is not only for my own pleasure but for science! Research!

I purchased a rather generic, rabbit style, purple and gold little number courtesy of amazon. It’s got some vibration settings, water-proof, all the normal sort of standard features. My first thought when I held it to my clit, was “holy fuck I’ve been missing out” but after having a little solo session, I was honestly pretty underwhelmed. I’m not in love with the vibration, it just feels a little too intense, but somehow not enough simultaneously. I tried turning it off and just used it as a dick essentially, but it just felt sort of hollow and just not quite the same. So as predicted, a dick, fingers, or tongue is much preferable. However, that being said, it did the trick in the end, and it won’t be the first or last time I use it. I feel as though with further experimentation I can probably get a better sort of feel for how to use it too, it was an adjustment to sort of fuck myself, so I will definitely be trying some different techniques in the coming days. My wrist definitely thanked me for not going to town on myself with just my right hand, Jill. Also, it’s probably ideal I won’t be found dead, in my bathtub with my fanny inverted awkwardly up to the faucet, while I’m practically drowning trying to get off, because my ass keeps closing the drain.

Some things you just can’t replicate. Filling the void with, cookies, exercise, shopping or dildos is sometimes all we have though, and its a nice temporary fix. I’m thankful I’m privileged enough to try these things, but also fortunate enough that I don’t really need to if I don’t want to either. In the meantime, I’m really missing my man who is in Australia, but coping in the healthiest ways I can think of. My wish to all my lovely readers is that you’re getting off regularly and whether it be from your own hands, dildos, dicks, or mouths, or other vaginas, know your sexual gratification is important. It’s natural and lovely and nothing to be ashamed of and I highly recommend if you can think of any ways to improve it, you do! Happy humping lovelies xox

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What’s wrong with being confident?

Despite what some might believe, confidence is something you need to actually work on. Some people are born with inherent confidence of course, but you have to reinforce mentally the thoughts that help perpetuate confidence. I think at the root of it is loving yourself though. If you don’t love yourself and who you are, how can you be confident in what you have to offer? 

Now if you’re like, ‘greatttttt I don’t really like myself.’ I have to ask you why? What is it you don’t like about yourself? If its behavioural characteristics… change them.

>>For Example: If you don’t like how you’re always negative. Start exercising positive beliefs. Affirm them to yourself. Wake up each morning and state 5 good things. Next day do 6, then do 7. Reinforce positive patterns. Soon it becomes a little more second-nature. Everything is all within your power. You can change your thought patterns, and help mould them into what you want to be. For every bad thought you have, think of five things that negate it.

Now physically if you have some problem areas you don’t like about yourself, I admit that is a little more challenging to overcome. Now, of course, the generic answer is to change them too. However, that can become very extreme and get out of hand quickly and doesn’t always garner the positive results you expected. So that’s really not a great solution. Although, If you need that boob job to feel confident, do it, get it! That being said, I firmly believe that you can accept the things you cannot change (at least not change easily, safely and cheaply) and be at the very least, at peace with them. So you have a big nose, or small tits, or a bit of a belly. So what? A lot of people do. Nobody’s perfect. Some of the most confident, sexy people are even more alluring because of the fact they embrace and flaunt what some people would deem as flaws. It’s pushing past those barriers that this ‘fault’ you see is what kills you in the water. A big nose doesn’t negate the fact all the other wonderful things you have going for you. It can make you relatable, attainable, and have something for yourself to poke fun at. Lots of positives can just totally cancel that out too. If you have incredible eyes, nobody is looking at your nose. Plus I guarantee something you dislike, others might kill for. Appreciate your body for being your most treasured possession. You could’ve been born a scorpion or penis-fish. Look at your beautiful flesh and bones, and love it! Obviously, people have some deep-rooted self-esteem issues that can’t be fixed by these mere words on a page. But in spite of some insecurities, you can for sure still be an overall confident individual! Also, all the things you are insecure about, most people don’t even notice because they are busy worrying about their own silly insecurities. All the ‘problems’ you think you have are guaranteed not unique to you or new. Everyone has them. Remember we are all in this together.

No one is stopping you from being the best version of yourself except you. Remember, you are in control of your manifest destiny. AKA: Fake it till you make it. If you put yourself out there, and tell yourself you can be confident and work a room… guess what, all of a sudden you sort of can. Put your mind to it and it will start to become a reality. When you feel in control, that’s when you can be your best self. Tell yourself that being uncomfortable is your great strength and that you can turn it around, even when you may not be the smartest or most fun person in the room. If you believe you can, that’s 75% of the battle. Fear holds a lot of people back… don’t let it imprison you!

Speaking of fear, you can’t let it control you. You have to be open to the fact that, you just might make a fool out of yourself. Some people won’t like you. You might say the wrong thing. You might straight-up embarrass yourself sometimes. The sexiest and most confident thing you can do in a moment of weakness is laugh it off. If it doesn’t phase you, and you can laugh along, you’re doing everything right. You aren’t always going to do the right and best thing, and be this suave, Don Juan, and that’s ok! True confidence is just going balls to the wall anyway, and not being upset over possible results, whether they are good or bad. You have to become comfortable with the fact that failure is always an option. Life is too short to not just be yourself, and be comfortable in your own fabulously unique skin!


 

My evolution of confidence has been quite the arc. Rewind to a decade or two ago and I was a very self-conscious kid. I tried somewhat hard to fit in, in my younger years but found that most of the time, I didn’t. For a brief time it consumed me. I wanted to be liked so bad, and that fear of saying the wrong thing, or conducting myself in an unbecoming manner, and having so much doubt it my own personality and abilities, just made me get worse! My self-esteem and confidence were at an all-time low in middle school. I didn’t really have any close friends at school, and the one I did have was honestly a shitty friend. Luckily, I was blessed that I became a member of a Musical group with mixed ages and genders, that was very tight-knit. I felt confident and like I belonged in the group since we all had a shared talent for music. They were very much, ‘my people.’ This enabled me to not overthink everything I did, and just be myself. Which when I was my own unabashed self, it was the ultimate best and most alluring side of me. I started to come into my own. As I garnered really rewarding friendships outside of school, I started to realize which ‘friendships’ inside school were toxic and doing me no good. Through some just convenient timing of certain ‘friends’ moving away, and myself realizing I deserved more, I became a bit of a loner for the first part of high school. You know what though, even though it was a bit lonely, it made me stronger. I held my head high, as I knew I had amazing friends outside of school and I didn’t care what the snooty kids at my school thought of me. I kept my headphones on in the halls, and ate lunch in the art room most days and just did me, and learned to enjoy my own company. Was it sometimes a little lonely, OF COURSE, but most days I found many comforts in my perfect playlists, and burying my head in art. I was very content in myself and started to hone my own style. After a while, I think my own swagger I had rocking, while most girls at my age in my position would’ve been sad little souls, started to catch the attention of people. They were attracted to my interesting fashion choices and my bold quiet confidence. I quickly acquired a new group of friends. One’s of my selection, who I was excited to be friends with. They were equally excited to be friends with me. How good friendships should be built, with mutual admiration and respect for one another. Once that started to take hold, my confidence skyrocketed even further. These people in school, and outside of it liked me, for my weird, art/music kid quirks and all. My new group of school friends, not only laughed at my weird sexual innuendo jokes but encouraged them! I was riding high on life, and the positive reinforcement from everyone around me really brought it home. Guys started to like me after this, I got a boyfriend, one of the hottest guys at our school. I was on cloud nine!

Ever since then, I’ve faltered. I went through a very deep depression when aforementioned boyfriend broke up with me on my first day of college. My confidence suffered greatly. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. I turned to tumblr & writing to vent my feelings. My friends got tired of hearing about how sad I was and I felt very alone. My confidence was at an all-time low. I was suicidal, and in a big rut, I feared I would never escape. However thank god for some key friends, some new ones at the time, and my family for helping dig me out of that dark hole. I also found the strength in myself that I wanted to be happy, and pulled myself and fought tooth and nail to get out of that darkness. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It took a lot of time, and a lot of persistence to get through. I ended up getting back together with my first mentioned boyfriend, but that’s another huge story for another day. I was able to build my confidence up slowly and surely and recognize my worth. It was a process. Some days I’m much more confident than others, but I always try my best to be. It helps I’m naturally outgoing and enjoy engaging with others. I have a very natural bravado I’m blessed with. These days I am very self-assured in who I am, how I feel, and how I want to feel. I know what I deserve, and know what is pure bullshit. I quickly and swiftly remove anyone or anything that makes me feel lesser than. It’s meant giving up jobs and long friendships, but it made me love myself and love my life. If you ever think things can’t get better, I’ve been to the lowest of lows, strangling myself with my laptop charger, to now writing to you on my laptop how grateful I am that I am able to do this now. So chin up, walk like you own the place and are on the catwalk, and go get em’ tiger! You can do it, I know it! ❤ xx


 

Serendipity

“Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together?
Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.”
― Emery Allen

 

I feel this to be true. The universe does work in peculiar ways in my experience, and I swear absolutely everything in my life always seems to come full circle at some point or another. Even if it’s not always the most pleasant of bookends, I do believe the universe seeks connections and experiences to be fulfilled at some point.

I’ve had way too many coincidences to think that they are just simply that…. a coincidence. I think its also small tests though. To see if you’re strong enough to say no to old flames. To see if you made the right call. Make sure that you were confident in the decisions that had them enter and leave your life, and maybe pop up once or twice again.

This past summer I ran into more ex flings/lovers than I could even fathom. It was straight up out of a rom-com, where the lead (myself) could not catch a break! So this occurred late June I believe. I had just broken up with my current boyfriend and was feeling very unsure of that decision (See >> https://sexualinnuendo.ca/2019/05/16/202/ ) so needless to say, I was emotionally vulnerable. I was also a little depressed, and frankly a lot horny. Fast forward to my two friends’ joint birthday party at a large rooftop bar downtown, with pretty much my entire group of friends, having a great night, drinking lots of beverages, getting tipsy. Enter high school crush #1, we will call him Edward, and I immediately turn into a useless, giddy teenage girl again. I was actually flirting with another random when I saw him, and completely just ditched talking to him to grab a drink at the bar with Edward and his friend right away. Not a lost thought for the poor guy I just completely abandoned. Some people you just can’t say no to. Edward is one of those guys. In high school, we were always flirty, but it was usually pretty one-sided on my end, having the biggest boner for him possible, while he mostly extorted me for free gum. I’ve run into him throughout the years post-school though, and we even had some make-out sessions and one blowjob on my best friend’s bed. So there was a lot of history. We hit it off in no time, and start kissing quite quickly. At some point, though he leaves to go see his friend or something, and I just return to my friends, no big deal. Enter old flame numero 2, we will call him Dean. Dean is THAT guy. The guy that could have, would have, should have, but was always just a dick.

Dean was my on-again-off-again friend with benefits for just over a year. I was in love with him, but he never returned that sentiment. We had SO much fun together. He was (and is to this day) the best sex I’ve ever had, no contest. He was a complete asshole though, leading me on constantly, horrible at communication, just toying with my emotions endlessly. Then he ghosted me stone-cold one day, and I returned the favour right back. So my surprise when I saw him, standing at the bar, was intense, because I hadn’t seen or heard from him in over a year. After a year of some of the most passionate rendezvous, I have ever experienced, it abruptly ended. With a lot of warranted anger on my end. As there was a bit of a blow out that led to our ignoring of one another (that’s a bit of another story entirely though.) He sheepishly approaches me, and I’m tipsy enough to let him. Much to my shock, his first words are, ‘I totally understand if you want to slap me right now, and never talk to me again, but I saw you awhile ago, and I had to say hi, and I had to say I’m sorry.’ Which made me melt, because a man I had been waiting on an apology from for over a year, right away did just that. I told him, of course, I won’t slap you, I’m happy to see you (which I was.) However, I knew better than to trust garbage from his mouth with all of the dirty he had done me in the past. Being kind of drunk and validated though I bought into it. He further continues into a deeper, really genuine sounding apology, and it seemed quite authentic. Me being low-key still a little in love with him ate it up and accepted it. Although I was having very conflicting thoughts about it all, but it felt good so I went with it. Then I asked if he was currently single because I was drunk and curious & noticed we kept getting closer throughout our conversation. He says, lets both say our status on the count of three and sure enough, we are both single! Go figure. Thus, commence dancing, which turned into grinding, which turned into making out. Now I know you’re thinking as you’re reading this, why am I giving the time of day to this asshole, and my answer is, I was stupid, vulnerable and a little drunk, and we’ve just got the most undeniable chemistry I’ve ever experienced with anyone. At any rate, after a little dancing and smooching, he says he needs to catch up with his friend and will be right back, just had to go let him know where he had buggered off to for like an hour. Which totally fair, whatever. So I re-join my friends.

A little time passes, that seems like an eternity, and I’m starting to fear the worst, that he fucked off on me again, and that I’m an idiot, and that I really shouldn’t be making out with this dickwad.

Enter Edward again. Which now I’m like even MORE emotionally vulnerable after thinking I just got ditched, and he’s feeling pretty fine again. So we quickly begin macking on each other, which like holy shit! As I’m literally just pulling away from a snog from Edward though, who reappears way later than they insinuated… Dean motherfucking Dean, is like, heyyyy. So I have to introduce Dean to Edward, and we all briefly SUPER awkwardly chat, but holy shit my mind is racing as to, who the hell I’m going to continue hanging with. They are literally both side by side facing and looking at me, both looking ready to grab me and make-out or whatever with me. Like I’m this piece of meat they need to fight over. My brain literally is broken. Like who do I pick?? Dean?? Edward? Dean? Neither??!!! (in retrospect neither was the best choice) I mean they are both rather undeserving, and I swear to god I just screamed frustration into my shirt in front of them and like froze. I just stopped talking haha. Like I literally couldn’t fathom what was happening and when I sort of looked up after having this small panic attack, Dean was sort of the one there grabbing me saying let’s go. So I went with Dean. To be honest to my vagina was doing the talking a bit, and I knew that the night with Dean was going to be probably more fun sexually speaking. So off we went. I felt really bad about ditching Edward but it just sorts of happened before I could really do anything about it, then my choice was made. (For the record, I texted him and apologized later on for my weird behaviour.)

Dean and I grab a cab and after me not making any decisions, he just takes me to his house. Which is conveniently a block away from my most recent exes (Christ!) I wasn’t positive I wanted to have sex with Dean. But as stated before, our connection and chemistry is literal insanity, and I just couldn’t resist. We fucked like animals. It was insane. I was just soaking wet before we even did anything major. We moved into the shower pretty quickly early on and stayed in there for literally 2 hours, with Vance Joy as our soundtrack & candles being our only light source. Romantic much? It was hard not to bone like bunnies. We went TO TOWN on one another. Butts, tongues, fingers, dick, it was hard to even know what was going on where at what time! We went at it for hours and it was honestly incredible. Truly. Like I don’t know why or how but our sex is just on a whole other level than anyone else I’ve been with. When we FINALLY finished we snuggled and had a really deep chat. I slept over, and we woke up and fucked again. I could barely even do it I was so sore from our late-night session hours before haha, but we managed anyway. It was pleasant though, and then he drove me to my car which was much appreciated. We kissed goodbye with no words regarding the future. So it was just a great fuck for old time’s sake. However a nice bookend to the Dean saga. It was really validating I wasn’t just ignored forevermore. It all came full circle. On my terms, with an apology and a nice fuck for good measure haha. I honestly don’t feel any regret or guilt and nor do I feel any longing for him anymore. I think I will always have feelings for him that are somewhat present, but I’m very at peace that we are not meant to be and he was a great learning experience. You never marry the man who gives you the best sex. So I’ve been told anyways… I’m very much hoping to change that theory with my future hubby.

I have a multitude of lessons learned from that whole learning experience. Who knows if he will ever resurface again, but I’m ok if he does not. So I think the universe really just wanted that whole hurt resolved and tucked away with a bow.

Fast forward to a few weeks later with Edward. After texting an apology for sort of ditching him at the bar, we started chatting and he invited me to a Canada Day party he was having. I decided to go with my beautiful friend Maxine. We show up, and its literally, Edward, Maxine and I. Apparently we missed the actual ‘party?’ We proceed to drink with him regardless and make art together (he’s an artist.) At first, we are flirty as all hell, but throughout the course of the evening, he proceeds to move his affection from me to my best friend Maxine.  At the end of the evening, he tries to kiss her right in front of me, which was just a dick move. Like don’t be making out with me at the bar a week before, flirting a lot afterwards, and invite ME out, & then make moves on my friend. So I think the universe literally just wanted to validate my choice of taking Dean home instead of him the previous week. It also wanted me to follow through though just so I wouldn’t have that ‘what if’ feeling.

I truly think everything is meant to be, and everything happens for a reason. These serendipitous events always leave an interesting impact, and can really shape how you choose to lead your life after they’ve thrown a curveball into your path. I like to think something’s looking out for me, that karmic energy that rewards the good I feel I am outputting, and I hope these funny coincidences are meant as a little nugget towards the path to true happiness. Here’s hoping! xx

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I think I need to break up with my boyfriend.

It’s so damn hard though.

 

It’s not like he did some cathartic bad deed that provoked me into this decision. He’s still a wonderfully sweet man, with many amazing qualities. It’s like I baked myself an ALMOST perfect cake, but the icing just doesn’t want to cooperate. The ingredients are all in there, measured with accuracy, and it’s still a cake, and you could eat the cake and be pretty happy with it. However, you could definitely have an even BETTER cake. You don’t want to waste your calories on the okay cake when there is a superior cake better suited to you, do you? I mean I don’t. That’s how I feel about my man. He’s a perfectly tasty cake, but I know that there is another variety of cake that’s just more my speed. They always say though, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. So am I simply being too picky about my cake? Evidently, I’m confused and have a craving for cake.

I’ve been seeing him since January, which is a pretty decent chunk of time. While I love him as a person, I’m not in love with him. I feel five months in, you’re usually head over heels if the relationship was going to progress that way. I also just don’t really see that white-picket future with him, that I have felt in the past with others. So now comes the horrible part with, how do you break up? I’ve always loathed confrontation, and break-ups are some of the absolute worse forms of just that. No matter what justification I have in my mind about the break-up its always heart wrenching to deliver any sort of cliff note version of that to a person you have grown to care for, and now have to say goodbye. It’s an approaching curve that you know is coming, but they have no way of preparing for. My inherent need to please people just makes breaking it off a near impossible task. I’ve in the past stayed in relationships much longer than necessary, because I kept making excuses, that maybe the feelings will grow. Maybe it will get better. All the while knowing deep in my gut, I was just being a coward and hurting both of us in the process. Anyways, it’s my burden to bear, and I will do it when the time feels right and I work up the courage to do it.

It is so frustrating that you found someone you thought would pan out, and all that work and learning about them just seems a little useless. Don’t get me wrong, there is value in those relationships. I just feel so dejected to have to go back to square one each time a romantic relationship fails. I just hope that the next man I meet that sticks around more than a few dates, that I will have the clarity early on, and so will they, that we are perhaps meant to be.

 

The Grass is always greener…..

.On the other side, or is it where you water it? That is the age old question! I’ve found myself wrestling with this idea ironically on the day of green, St. Patricks Day. I had one too many shots of Jameson’s and got my Irish eyes smiling, perhaps a little too much. With my new boyfriend on my arm, I was having a lot of fun with him. However, we weren’t glued to each other the whole day, and I had some other male attention. Male attention from some dudes who, a couple months ago, I would be very keen to flirt away with. It was an ultimate test in how invested I am in my new boyfriend. Who, full disclosure, I’ve recently had a couple little bumps in the road with, that made me contemplate the longevity of how long we are going to be lasting here. It’s so easy to meet a charming gentleman, who fits your ideal and want that new exciting romance again, and you just get swept off your feet a little bit. Meanwhile, I’ve been cultivating a wonderful relationship with my current man. It slaps you in the face quite quickly of being confronted with how satisfied you are with your current relationship. Not saying I’m going to go cheat on him or dump the guy right then and there, I’m not like that AT ALL, but it gets you thinking, am I missing out on something potentially better? Is there perhaps a better match for me? You start taking inventory of your needs. Is my boyfriend good for me? Does he enhance my life? Will this work long-term? Do my friends like him? Can I live with him? All these whirlwind questions start nagging at you, eating away at your brain slowly. Then as you start answering them, some clarity appears. You start answering with yes, my friends do love him, I could see myself living with him, he does enhance my life. Which is where I make a conscious decision not to run from love. I want to embrace my man for all he is. In the areas where he perhaps is a little lacking, I need to ‘water’ the grass, and work for our relationship. Make it the perfect fit. Relationships take work and don’t come easy. Everyone at this age has some baggage, and you just have to learn how to take a vacation with it. New love is scary. God knows I’m a little terrified of it yet. I’m not sure I am in love yet, but I certainly can say I am falling. I’m going to give it every ounce of myself I can muster to make it succeed as well because if anything is worth your hard work, it is your happiness and searching for great love. So instead of comparing, I am tending my own garden, making it flourish in any way I know how, and I encourage everyone else to make the most of what they have, and be grateful for having it!

 

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Small Paul

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Let me tell you all a story, of many moons ago, when I went on a date with a fellow, with a dick as small as his big toe.

So, it started out great. We went for drinks at this cute bar, & really hit it off. We were flirting our pants off one another, and I drank enough wine for three. We had a lovely first date and I was eager to go on another! Fast forward to date number two. We get some ice-cream and head back to his place. A little fast-paced for my norm, but I was really vibing with him, and this was back when I was fresh-off-the-boat single for the first time, and really didn’t know the norms, nor did I care about them for dating. AKA: I wanted to bump uglies with this hot dude! So we get into his impressive apartment and start making out right away. Clothes flew off quickly, and as I’m making out with him, my hand travels to his… well penis. It feels rather minuscule, but hey, some guys are growers, not showers, and I figure our steamy make-out session must not be getting him hard yet. So I start giving him a half-assed handjob, although honestly, it wasn’t the type of handjob to make him cum, it was just like some foreplay sort of touching, not like I’m vigorously rubbing one out for him. Didn’t seem to matter though, because next thing I know, somehow I am covered in cum! He projectile came with zero warning! We were like facing each other on the couch, and because of this position, the cum decorated me like a Jackson Pollock painting, across my stomach, getting everywhere! So buddy, JUMPS up, and runs to the bathroom yelling “DON’T LET IT GET ON THE SOFA” and throws me a towel, so I can wipe myself up. Then he’s like, ‘I gotta take a shower’ so I’m just sort of like…. okay, I guess I’ll just sit here with a gross cum towel and wait for you to rinse off. Meanwhile, my heads spinning! I’m like, ‘he wasn’t even hard!’ ‘was he hard?’ ‘his dick is literally a micro-penis?’ ‘what just happened?’ ‘do I go join him in the shower?’ ‘do I leave?’ ‘do I get dressed?’ among a million other thoughts. As I had never really had anything like this occur, and this was one of my first dates after dating the same boy for six years. I opted to just sit and wait for him. When he finally came out of the shower. He was SO incredibly awkward. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. Then I was still naked and immediately regretted that because he had gone the extra mile to get dressed. He wouldn’t even speak to me, besides muttering some rather incoherent words. We settled on watching some television, while I awkwardly re-dressed myself. After he was acting like some weird, embarrassed zombie, and wouldn’t even much acknowledge my presence. I quickly gave him a very awkward hug and said I had better be on my way. He offered zero arguments otherwise, and I left having one of the strangest times on a date. He was sort of an asshole about the whole thing. I was actually astonished when he texted me later in the week, wanting to meet up again, but being rather rude in general. So because of his rudeness, I don’t feel bad dubbing him Small Paul a man, who had a literal micropenis and is the smallest I’ve ever seen much less held in person. (Like it was literally completely covered & then some with one of my fists on it.)

The Picturesquely

Do you ever feel like you’re living your life as a movie script? Every next move, not quite because of your intentions, but because it was predisposed to occur already set into motion by some higher power? If you do, you’ll know how I am feeling about seventy-five percent of the time. This past weekend was no exception. My friend, we will call her Zet, was having a party for her brand new single dropping, and she was having it in a Castle! So I invited my new squeeze, we shall call him, Vade, and eagerly anticipate the evening. Granted, I already know that three former crushes have all RSVPed ‘attending’ on the facebook group. So I already knew I was in for quite an interesting evening. We arrive, and it is quite the venue. It’s like an installation 60’s castle art space on crack, it was actually rather fantastic! Felt very dream-like and otherworldly, like we had been transported back a few decades…. that or taken a lot of drugs. The crowd here was a very odd smorgasbord of people, which just added to the delight! Vade and I arrive and quickly realize we were idiots for not bringing some acholic bevvies, so we do a brisk walk to the nearest liquor store. Bare-legged in January, not really certain of my whereabouts, it felt like the cutest little adventure, hand in hand with my new man, who I had just slept with for the first time ever, mere hours before. Giddy from the new of it all. I opt for a simple tall can Somersby blackberry cider and after no luck finding pre-made ceasers, Vade settles for a case of beer. We skip back to the party, ready to mingle with our new-found juice of confidence. Enter, man number one, who I went on some dates with not too long ago, and low-key think he might be vaguely in love with me. That was nice and awkward, then I think he’s with some new girl, but not super clear if they are on a date or not. Not sure how to interact, and it just ends up being very uncomfortable forced conversation. Then after that, queue man #2 who had made his crush on me quite obvious, who ALSO has some new girl on his arm. Yet another weird conversation happens. Luckily crush #3 never showed up. Talk about a weird smothering of ex-love interests and current all holed up together in the same strange castle, that we have just discovered is actually haunted! After all the subtle drama though, we got to enjoy an evening of a sweet tune, with some amazing people. Then I got to go home and bang my new boy some more. So it turned into pretty great, movie-script Friday! xox

 

nyctinasty

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“If you’ve ever taken a late-night stroll through a garden, you may have noticed that certain flowers, much like people, tend to retire after the sun goes down.

But flowers that close up at night, such as tulips, hibiscus, poppies and crocuses, aren’t sleepy. They’re just highly evolved.

Plants that tuck themselves in for bedtime exhibit a natural behavior known as nyctinasty. Scientists know the mechanism behind the phenomenon: In cool air and darkness, the bottom-most petals of certain flowers grow at a faster rate than the upper-most petals, forcing the flowers shut.

But scientists are not quite sure why some plants, particularly flowers, evolved this way. There are several theories, though.

Charles Darwin believed that plants close up at night to reduce their risk of freezing. Another theory suggests that nyctinastic plants are conserving energy — and perhaps their odor — for the daytime, when pollinating insects are most active.

Some scientists believe that this self-serving behavior prevents pollen from becoming wet and heavy with dew. Insects can more easily transfer dry pollen, improving a nyctinastic plant’s likelihood of successful reproduction.

And one fascinating idea holds that nyctinasty is a highly evolved defense mechanism against a plant’s nocturnal predators. By closing up tight, the flowers in your garden create a clearer view of the ground for nighttime hunters, like owls, who kill off flower-munching herbivores out looking for a midnight snack.” –  Elizabeth Palermo

https://www.livescience.com/34569-why-flowers-close-at-night-nyctinasty.html

I feel like I am constantly going into nyctinasty. When the fuck boys come out at night, I close up, and protect myself. Even when the good guys come and want to date me, NOPE, I close up, and close off. My friend re-affirmed to me the other night, that I am a commitment-phobe. Which is really funny to me, because I never would use that word to describe myself in the past, but these days…. it is really true. It is not that I want to be at all either! That’s why it is so ironic. I feel as though I am Ted from How I Met Your Mother for pretty much the majority of that show. I am a desperate romantic looking for love. Yet every time I get close, self-sabotage occurs, or just plain bad luck ensues. I think I’m hung up on old ideas of love and past lovers too, that I’m unwilling to accept small flaws of potential new suitors, which is a toxic way of thinking. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. So even though I’m a beautiful flower, who deserves some rest and protection. I want to be an open Lily, and blossom 24/7, not just when the suns out. xox

thank you, next

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Happy New Year lovely readers! I’m so eager for twenty-nineteen! Sadly, twenty-eighteen wasn’t really my year. It certainly did me no favours in the relationship department. Granted I can’t complain too much, as I learned a lot. I feel like I’m emotionally equipped, and definitely physically ready for a real, solid relationship this year. In fact, I’m running towards romance, ready to fall head over feet (thanks Alannis….banger of a tune).  I refuse to be accepting of any bullshit treatment. The second you’re rude to me and start to play mind games, I’m over it, that was 2018’s learning curve. Idiots will not be tolerated this year… no matter how cute they are, or how good the sex is.

Embracing love, and wanting it more than anything is dangerous though. It can leave you feeling so alone when you aren’t receiving it. So I am not going to be desperate, and I am actually extremely content, doing my own thing, and being on my own. That’s always when love fosters the most anyways. If you can’t love yourself, why would someone else love you? So although I am not much one for ‘resolutions’ I am making some promises to hold myself to. Pinky, promises (those are unbreakable!). I vow that I will invest in my health and well-being. I will continue going to the gym, and living an active lifestyle. I will also treat my body with respect and feed it nutrients it needs, not just the late night cookies it craves. I will foster my friendships, and make sure I am a damn good friend, because all of my friends are damn good to me, and deserve the same! I will continue to compliment and be kind to strangers, as the world always is in dire need of more sweethearts. I will also be more aware of my spending habits and try to budget better. I’m a quarter-century, and I feel like it is the perfect time for the stars to align and for my life to get on the track its intended to be on.

Now to not sound like a preachy fuck, let’s talk about how I haven’t been laid in weeks! I am being much more selective of who I sleep with these days (although, I have always been somewhat picky.) Which is horrible, because it means lots of lonely solo nights. However, it is well worth the pay-off of when you finally click with someone the fireworks are just that much more magnified! I am implementing a rule that I will not sleep with someone until I am confident that they are not going to go around and take off the second I do. I think its pretty wise. It’s a little longer than maybe the ‘three dates’ typical rule, but I believe its rather effective. No one has up and left me since this rule… in fact, most of them tend to fall in love with me so I would say its working. Sadly, just wasn’t a two-way feeling. How come its always the ones you are obsessing over, are not that into it, and the ones crazy into you, you just can’t go there with them. I just need the mutual liking to happen! It’s all about timing, and both people having their green lights on. I think mines been yellow for some time. Almost ready to commit, but just not quite there yet. Always waiting. Only time will tell though, but I’m really looking forward to this year, I feel like it’s going to be a good one, I just know it! xox