How to Ask for What You Want

Picture this.

The honeymoon phase is over.

The sex is less frequent. Less exciting.

Effort is dwindling.

Everything just feels a little less *titilating*

… Now what?!

It’s not that things are totally bad. You still like your partner, and they aren’t straight up ignoring you. However, the sex has become mundane and routine, and when they roll over to go on their phone the second after they cum, you just feel a lot less desirable and a lot more frustrated.

What now? Are you just doomed to the suburban housewife lifestyle and aside from perhaps some occasional fun birthday or vacation sex it’s just pretty vanilla?

Hopefully not!

It’s time to take action girl!

Hopefully you’ve processed the few stages of grief of your sad sex life quickly (below is a little reminder for you) ….

The 7 stages of grief

  • Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
  • Pain and guilt.
  • Anger and bargaining.
  • Depression.
  • The upward turn.
  • Reconstruction and working through.
  • Acceptance and hope.

…. and are into the upward turn phase! So how do we get it upward turned… literally? Time to get that dick rock hard again saying good morning to you; furthermore, you need to be happy to receive a little wake-up call. Now there are some more obvious answers such as:

  • Pull out the lingerie
  • Plan a sexy vacation
  • Get a wax
  • Get a new toy
  • carve out time specifically for some love-making
  • watch some videos together

All those generic examples – which while ARE helpful, I truly don’t think they fix it.

You need the romance back, the passion and lust.

You need to kiss more. KISS all the time! This always goes out the window, like have a make-out session, or ten! Hold hands! Bring back touching, affection. Try to snuggle in bed a bit, or on the couch. Feed each other some strawberries, or soup, it doesn’t matter if it is inherently a sexy item. It’s about reconnection on a deeper level. You’ve already “gone deep” so the reward of sex is not enticing anymore, as it once was in the initial phases of dating. Scratch their back. Have a little bit of Public Display of Affection if you can muster it. Once you start rebuilding the little things that brought you closer together initially, it will trigger the sex to come back without ever even focusing on that as the end goal.

Here are some suggestions to implement to make this happen:

  • put away the phone
  • seriously put it away, leave it in your bedroom while you watch a movie together or have coffee together
  • hold hands more often intentionally. Studies prove that there is an overwhelming amount of benefits to holding your partners hand.
  • make time to have conversation one on one everyday if possible, even if its brief
  • Be more flirty, make some jokes, and try to remember maybe some inside ones from the past and incorporate a “throwback” date night of one of your most fun dates
  • Surprise your partner! With a new type of cuisine, a different movie or game, a trip, a fun date night out, new clothes for them that are a little out of character, a fish or a new plant, anything!
  • Don’t wait for them to make the first move or reciprocate. It is SO easy to start to do things to reignite the relationship, and feel like your partner is not trying at all on their end, get frustrated and just give up entirely. Please don’t give up! Eventually they will realize how much you’re trying and start to appreciate it. If they don’t after a very long effort, while perhaps the relationship really has come to a close, in which case none of these tips will fix that problem for you, and that’s a whole other conversation.
  • Post a picture of them on social media randomly with a heart felt compliment. While this seems a little more performative it really lets your partner know that you’re proud to show them off and can be that little extra bit of love they feel from you.
  • Babysit. This sounds weird, but collectively taking care of either an animal or a child, together, can really be a fantastic way to bond, and break up your routine.
  • Throw a dinner party with your closest friends. While involving friends seems counter-productive, if you intentionally invite their closest pals, it really shows you’re invested in creating a fun night for them, which in turn makes them appreciate you all the more.

If you even do just a few of these, the sex is sure to follow. I think sex wanes, when the relationship becomes predictable and more comfortable very naturally. Its not a problem, but like anything living and breathing, it needs to be nurtured and taken care of to blossom. The great news is, on top of getting some solid sexy time back, you’ll inherit a whole lot of other positives from putting in the effort all around. Remember its normal for the sex to slow down, but it’s extraordinary to be able to bring it back and it is easily doable!

xox

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