Small Paul

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Let me tell you all a story, of many moons ago, when I went on a date with a fellow, with a dick as small as his big toe.

So, it started out great. We went for drinks at this cute bar, & really hit it off. We were flirting our pants off one another, and I drank enough wine for three. We had a lovely first date and I was eager to go on another! Fast forward to date number two. We get some ice-cream and head back to his place. A little fast-paced for my norm, but I was really vibing with him, and this was back when I was fresh-off-the-boat single for the first time, and really didn’t know the norms, nor did I care about them for dating. AKA: I wanted to bump uglies with this hot dude! So we get into his impressive apartment and start making out right away. Clothes flew off quickly, and as I’m making out with him, my hand travels to his… well penis. It feels rather minuscule, but hey, some guys are growers, not showers, and I figure our steamy make-out session must not be getting him hard yet. So I start giving him a half-assed handjob, although honestly, it wasn’t the type of handjob to make him cum, it was just like some foreplay sort of touching, not like I’m vigorously rubbing one out for him. Didn’t seem to matter though, because next thing I know, somehow I am covered in cum! He projectile came with zero warning! We were like facing each other on the couch, and because of this position, the cum decorated me like a Jackson Pollock painting, across my stomach, getting everywhere! So buddy, JUMPS up, and runs to the bathroom yelling “DON’T LET IT GET ON THE SOFA” and throws me a towel, so I can wipe myself up. Then he’s like, ‘I gotta take a shower’ so I’m just sort of like…. okay, I guess I’ll just sit here with a gross cum towel and wait for you to rinse off. Meanwhile, my heads spinning! I’m like, ‘he wasn’t even hard!’ ‘was he hard?’ ‘his dick is literally a micro-penis?’ ‘what just happened?’ ‘do I go join him in the shower?’ ‘do I leave?’ ‘do I get dressed?’ among a million other thoughts. As I had never really had anything like this occur, and this was one of my first dates after dating the same boy for six years. I opted to just sit and wait for him. When he finally came out of the shower. He was SO incredibly awkward. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. Then I was still naked and immediately regretted that because he had gone the extra mile to get dressed. He wouldn’t even speak to me, besides muttering some rather incoherent words. We settled on watching some television, while I awkwardly re-dressed myself. After he was acting like some weird, embarrassed zombie, and wouldn’t even much acknowledge my presence. I quickly gave him a very awkward hug and said I had better be on my way. He offered zero arguments otherwise, and I left having one of the strangest times on a date. He was sort of an asshole about the whole thing. I was actually astonished when he texted me later in the week, wanting to meet up again, but being rather rude in general. So because of his rudeness, I don’t feel bad dubbing him Small Paul a man, who had a literal micropenis and is the smallest I’ve ever seen much less held in person. (Like it was literally completely covered & then some with one of my fists on it.)

The Picturesquely

Do you ever feel like you’re living your life as a movie script? Every next move, not quite because of your intentions, but because it was predisposed to occur already set into motion by some higher power? If you do, you’ll know how I am feeling about seventy-five percent of the time. This past weekend was no exception. My friend, we will call her Zet, was having a party for her brand new single dropping, and she was having it in a Castle! So I invited my new squeeze, we shall call him, Vade, and eagerly anticipate the evening. Granted, I already know that three former crushes have all RSVPed ‘attending’ on the facebook group. So I already knew I was in for quite an interesting evening. We arrive, and it is quite the venue. It’s like an installation 60’s castle art space on crack, it was actually rather fantastic! Felt very dream-like and otherworldly, like we had been transported back a few decades…. that or taken a lot of drugs. The crowd here was a very odd smorgasbord of people, which just added to the delight! Vade and I arrive and quickly realize we were idiots for not bringing some acholic bevvies, so we do a brisk walk to the nearest liquor store. Bare-legged in January, not really certain of my whereabouts, it felt like the cutest little adventure, hand in hand with my new man, who I had just slept with for the first time ever, mere hours before. Giddy from the new of it all. I opt for a simple tall can Somersby blackberry cider and after no luck finding pre-made ceasers, Vade settles for a case of beer. We skip back to the party, ready to mingle with our new-found juice of confidence. Enter, man number one, who I went on some dates with not too long ago, and low-key think he might be vaguely in love with me. That was nice and awkward, then I think he’s with some new girl, but not super clear if they are on a date or not. Not sure how to interact, and it just ends up being very uncomfortable forced conversation. Then after that, queue man #2 who had made his crush on me quite obvious, who ALSO has some new girl on his arm. Yet another weird conversation happens. Luckily crush #3 never showed up. Talk about a weird smothering of ex-love interests and current all holed up together in the same strange castle, that we have just discovered is actually haunted! After all the subtle drama though, we got to enjoy an evening of a sweet tune, with some amazing people. Then I got to go home and bang my new boy some more. So it turned into pretty great, movie-script Friday! xox