If you’re having dick problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems, but a little dick ain’t one. HIT ME.
If you’re having dick problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems, but a little dick ain’t one. HIT ME.
For your listening pleasure on this lovely day ❤
ps: sorry I know I’ve been slacking on writing lately, promise I will write more regularly soon! xx
Let me tell you all a story, of many moons ago, when I went on a date with a fellow, with a dick as small as his big toe.
So, it started out great. We went for drinks at this cute bar, & really hit it off. We were flirting our pants off one another, and I drank enough wine for three. We had a lovely first date and I was eager to go on another! Fast forward to date number two. We get some ice-cream and head back to his place. A little fast-paced for my norm, but I was really vibing with him, and this was back when I was fresh-off-the-boat single for the first time, and really didn’t know the norms, nor did I care about them for dating. AKA: I wanted to bump uglies with this hot dude! So we get into his impressive apartment and start making out right away. Clothes flew off quickly, and as I’m making out with him, my hand travels to his… well penis. It feels rather minuscule, but hey, some guys are growers, not showers, and I figure our steamy make-out session must not be getting him hard yet. So I start giving him a half-assed handjob, although honestly, it wasn’t the type of handjob to make him cum, it was just like some foreplay sort of touching, not like I’m vigorously rubbing one out for him. Didn’t seem to matter though, because next thing I know, somehow I am covered in cum! He projectile came with zero warning! We were like facing each other on the couch, and because of this position, the cum decorated me like a Jackson Pollock painting, across my stomach, getting everywhere! So buddy, JUMPS up, and runs to the bathroom yelling “DON’T LET IT GET ON THE SOFA” and throws me a towel, so I can wipe myself up. Then he’s like, ‘I gotta take a shower’ so I’m just sort of like…. okay, I guess I’ll just sit here with a gross cum towel and wait for you to rinse off. Meanwhile, my heads spinning! I’m like, ‘he wasn’t even hard!’ ‘was he hard?’ ‘his dick is literally a micro-penis?’ ‘what just happened?’ ‘do I go join him in the shower?’ ‘do I leave?’ ‘do I get dressed?’ among a million other thoughts. As I had never really had anything like this occur, and this was one of my first dates after dating the same boy for six years. I opted to just sit and wait for him. When he finally came out of the shower. He was SO incredibly awkward. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. Then I was still naked and immediately regretted that because he had gone the extra mile to get dressed. He wouldn’t even speak to me, besides muttering some rather incoherent words. We settled on watching some television, while I awkwardly re-dressed myself. After he was acting like some weird, embarrassed zombie, and wouldn’t even much acknowledge my presence. I quickly gave him a very awkward hug and said I had better be on my way. He offered zero arguments otherwise, and I left having one of the strangest times on a date. He was sort of an asshole about the whole thing. I was actually astonished when he texted me later in the week, wanting to meet up again, but being rather rude in general. So because of his rudeness, I don’t feel bad dubbing him Small Paul a man, who had a literal micropenis and is the smallest I’ve ever seen much less held in person. (Like it was literally completely covered & then some with one of my fists on it.)
Do you ever feel like you’re living your life as a movie script? Every next move, not quite because of your intentions, but because it was predisposed to occur already set into motion by some higher power? If you do, you’ll know how I am feeling about seventy-five percent of the time. This past weekend was no exception. My friend, we will call her Zet, was having a party for her brand new single dropping, and she was having it in a Castle! So I invited my new squeeze, we shall call him, Vade, and eagerly anticipate the evening. Granted, I already know that three former crushes have all RSVPed ‘attending’ on the facebook group. So I already knew I was in for quite an interesting evening. We arrive, and it is quite the venue. It’s like an installation 60’s castle art space on crack, it was actually rather fantastic! Felt very dream-like and otherworldly, like we had been transported back a few decades…. that or taken a lot of drugs. The crowd here was a very odd smorgasbord of people, which just added to the delight! Vade and I arrive and quickly realize we were idiots for not bringing some acholic bevvies, so we do a brisk walk to the nearest liquor store. Bare-legged in January, not really certain of my whereabouts, it felt like the cutest little adventure, hand in hand with my new man, who I had just slept with for the first time ever, mere hours before. Giddy from the new of it all. I opt for a simple tall can Somersby blackberry cider and after no luck finding pre-made ceasers, Vade settles for a case of beer. We skip back to the party, ready to mingle with our new-found juice of confidence. Enter, man number one, who I went on some dates with not too long ago, and low-key think he might be vaguely in love with me. That was nice and awkward, then I think he’s with some new girl, but not super clear if they are on a date or not. Not sure how to interact, and it just ends up being very uncomfortable forced conversation. Then after that, queue man #2 who had made his crush on me quite obvious, who ALSO has some new girl on his arm. Yet another weird conversation happens. Luckily crush #3 never showed up. Talk about a weird smothering of ex-love interests and current all holed up together in the same strange castle, that we have just discovered is actually haunted! After all the subtle drama though, we got to enjoy an evening of a sweet tune, with some amazing people. Then I got to go home and bang my new boy some more. So it turned into pretty great, movie-script Friday! xox
“If you’ve ever taken a late-night stroll through a garden, you may have noticed that certain flowers, much like people, tend to retire after the sun goes down.
But flowers that close up at night, such as tulips, hibiscus, poppies and crocuses, aren’t sleepy. They’re just highly evolved.
Plants that tuck themselves in for bedtime exhibit a natural behavior known as nyctinasty. Scientists know the mechanism behind the phenomenon: In cool air and darkness, the bottom-most petals of certain flowers grow at a faster rate than the upper-most petals, forcing the flowers shut.
But scientists are not quite sure why some plants, particularly flowers, evolved this way. There are several theories, though.
Charles Darwin believed that plants close up at night to reduce their risk of freezing. Another theory suggests that nyctinastic plants are conserving energy — and perhaps their odor — for the daytime, when pollinating insects are most active.
Some scientists believe that this self-serving behavior prevents pollen from becoming wet and heavy with dew. Insects can more easily transfer dry pollen, improving a nyctinastic plant’s likelihood of successful reproduction.
And one fascinating idea holds that nyctinasty is a highly evolved defense mechanism against a plant’s nocturnal predators. By closing up tight, the flowers in your garden create a clearer view of the ground for nighttime hunters, like owls, who kill off flower-munching herbivores out looking for a midnight snack.” –
I feel like I am constantly going into nyctinasty. When the fuck boys come out at night, I close up, and protect myself. Even when the good guys come and want to date me, NOPE, I close up, and close off. My friend re-affirmed to me the other night, that I am a commitment-phobe. Which is really funny to me, because I never would use that word to describe myself in the past, but these days…. it is really true. It is not that I want to be at all either! That’s why it is so ironic. I feel as though I am Ted from How I Met Your Mother for pretty much the majority of that show. I am a desperate romantic looking for love. Yet every time I get close, self-sabotage occurs, or just plain bad luck ensues. I think I’m hung up on old ideas of love and past lovers too, that I’m unwilling to accept small flaws of potential new suitors, which is a toxic way of thinking. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. So even though I’m a beautiful flower, who deserves some rest and protection. I want to be an open Lily, and blossom 24/7, not just when the suns out. xox
Happy New Year lovely readers! I’m so eager for twenty-nineteen! Sadly, twenty-eighteen wasn’t really my year. It certainly did me no favours in the relationship department. Granted I can’t complain too much, as I learned a lot. I feel like I’m emotionally equipped, and definitely physically ready for a real, solid relationship this year. In fact, I’m running towards romance, ready to fall head over feet (thanks Alannis….banger of a tune). I refuse to be accepting of any bullshit treatment. The second you’re rude to me and start to play mind games, I’m over it, that was 2018’s learning curve. Idiots will not be tolerated this year… no matter how cute they are, or how good the sex is.
Embracing love, and wanting it more than anything is dangerous though. It can leave you feeling so alone when you aren’t receiving it. So I am not going to be desperate, and I am actually extremely content, doing my own thing, and being on my own. That’s always when love fosters the most anyways. If you can’t love yourself, why would someone else love you? So although I am not much one for ‘resolutions’ I am making some promises to hold myself to. Pinky, promises (those are unbreakable!). I vow that I will invest in my health and well-being. I will continue going to the gym, and living an active lifestyle. I will also treat my body with respect and feed it nutrients it needs, not just the late night cookies it craves. I will foster my friendships, and make sure I am a damn good friend, because all of my friends are damn good to me, and deserve the same! I will continue to compliment and be kind to strangers, as the world always is in dire need of more sweethearts. I will also be more aware of my spending habits and try to budget better. I’m a quarter-century, and I feel like it is the perfect time for the stars to align and for my life to get on the track its intended to be on.
Now to not sound like a preachy fuck, let’s talk about how I haven’t been laid in weeks! I am being much more selective of who I sleep with these days (although, I have always been somewhat picky.) Which is horrible, because it means lots of lonely solo nights. However, it is well worth the pay-off of when you finally click with someone the fireworks are just that much more magnified! I am implementing a rule that I will not sleep with someone until I am confident that they are not going to go around and take off the second I do. I think its pretty wise. It’s a little longer than maybe the ‘three dates’ typical rule, but I believe its rather effective. No one has up and left me since this rule… in fact, most of them tend to fall in love with me so I would say its working. Sadly, just wasn’t a two-way feeling. How come its always the ones you are obsessing over, are not that into it, and the ones crazy into you, you just can’t go there with them. I just need the mutual liking to happen! It’s all about timing, and both people having their green lights on. I think mines been yellow for some time. Almost ready to commit, but just not quite there yet. Always waiting. Only time will tell though, but I’m really looking forward to this year, I feel like it’s going to be a good one, I just know it! xox
“If I date you, the goal is to marry you. Build with you. Grow with you. I’m not dating you just to pass time, I see potential in you. I don’t fear commitment. I fear wasting my time.” -anonymous
AH, MY SURE-FIRE BLOW-JOB TIPS:
– Foreplay is always encouraged! A fun unique way —– some hot tea, and cold ice water, and playing with temperatures can be ridiculously effective. Swirl some in your mouth and switch back and forth, and I promise the effect will be mind-blowing——
– Approach: there’s a ton of playing you can do near the penis before beginning the actual dick sucking. Try a graze, kiss, touch, breathe, and look up at your partner. Play with and suck on his balls a little before the main course. If he’s into it I like to lick his asshole, up to his balls, and then all the way up to the tip, before I engulf his dick with my warm mouth.
– Eye contact is key, As much as you can try to look them in the eye. It can be really sexy if you lick the tip, or just kiss it, and give them a wink or something. Tease a little, looking at them all flirty, then right when they are sort of just on edge, deep throat as much as you can.
– Switch it up a bit, blowjobs can honestly bore a lot of guys, which is why some “Can’t get off from head” (ps any guy who says that is full of shit, or they haven’t ever had good enough head.) Like don’t just lick the tip the whole time, or just deep throat it (although the latter is more effective haha) Like tease between licking the side, licking the balls, if you’re feeling adventurous get some bum licks in their too, deep throat it a bit, lick the tip, caress it, use your hands. And switch between different positions. Just like sex, missionary the whole time’s a little mundane, same goes with a blowie.
– Don’t forget about your hands, and your body! You can use your boobs for a bit, give a bit of a tit job for a bit, rub them over him, use your hands on his inner thigh, or balls. Again if you and your partner are more into it, a finger in the bum, or the spot right between the balls and butt hole, can be a great trigger point. Just kind of massage it gently. Run them all over his body. Flip around and 69. Make him an active participant.
– Sometimes no hands work better too! If he’s rock hard, take in his cock as much as possible and utilize your hands elsewhere. Grab his thighs, or butt, or balls for a bit! Let the mouth take on the full job.
– Don’t be afraid to move him. If you’re neck or whatever is getting sore, GRAB YO MAN, forcefully and drag his ass into a comfortable position for you (& him perhaps). If it means you give better, longer head, he’ll be down! Also adds to further variety!
– Practice makes perfect. Honestly dating someone with a big dick got me really good at blowjobs, because every other dick usually is the same or smaller so its easier haha. To mitigate gagging, ball your thumb in your fist and squeeze, it helps. And just try to relax your throat. Try not to lock your jaw too. It will help with longevity if you can keep it relaxed!
– The wetter, and sloppier the better. Like just fucking slobber all over that guys junk, it’s hotter if it is messy. It shows enthusiasm, and just lubrication is always better. It makes your life easier too, cause it’s easier to sort of glide along if you’ve got some good saliva action!
– A big smile with eye contact midway through can be everything as you give the cock a nice big lick or deepthroat.
– I like rubbing the tip of the cock around my lips almost as if it’s my lipstick, and teasing it, until he’s looking at me, so thirsty for it. Then right as he’s so on edge, I take in as much as I possibly can down my throat with a big smile.
– MOAN and be vocal, when you like “hum” mmmm, it creates a vibration that feels great on their dick. It also adds to general enthusiasm, your man, wants you to be enjoying yourself & gets off on you doing so.
– When deep throating, DON’T FORGET your tongue. Don’t just deep throat and leave it like a limp hotdog along for the ride. Actively try to lick, while deep throating (its sort of harder yes,,, but once you figure out how, its fine, and way better for him!) Like as you get your throat near (or at) the base make you tongue lick flat up, then flick it at the top of the frenulum before you go down for another big gulp. Also obviously avoid teeth. Pull your top and bottom lips over the top of them and open your mouth nice and wide to avoid any unwanted teeth action.
– It’s different for every guy what they like, so don’t be afraid to ask, or experiment and sort of be like, how does this feel? I find typically flicking the tongue at the tip, and sort of like…. making out (for lack of a better term) with it the most effective? Think of how you like your clit to be licked. The tip of the dick is similar. The bottom underside where the like head of the cock “joins” is called the frenulum and it is very sensitive. Lots of fast, rapid, small circles are nice, as well as just little licks upward. And swirling your tongue around the whole head is lovely.
– Watch how a guy jerks himself off, and imitate. He knows how to make himself cum better than anyone else. So notice how much pressure he uses, and where he’s sort of tugging that meat, and focusing. Then emulate. I got way better at handjobs just observing dudes. ***They don’t typically hold it as tight as one would think… no vice grip***
– Assuming you want to please your partner, tell them they can cum wherever they want. Typically I just swallow, cause its less messy, and turns on the guy the most, and lets them get off fully without sort of stifling their orgasm. It’s pretty hot if you say “I’m not stopping until I taste your cum”
– Dirty talk, in particular, dick-related & be a cock-worshipper. Things like: “You like watching me suck this big, tasty cock?” or “you’re so hard/big/thick, I love having you inside me.”, or “I’m soaking wet from this thick juicy cock in my mouth…”. It gets a lot of guys every time. Be prepared for them to cum after lots of this haha. Or for them to fuck the daylights out of you.
– A finger or two in the bum, while you are sucking his cock can really intensify every sensation. I like to have one hand ‘pumping’ the dick, mouth, deep throating or teasing the cocks head, and the other hand sort of one finger in the bum, and the other fingers cupping his balls. If you can manage them all together it will set you apart from other partners for sure. Once your finger is in the bum, little ‘pressing’ in and out movements or minimal ‘come here’ motions work. It’s not so much about going super deep, just the finger edging in is often better.
– When you want them to cum, tell them! It’s hot, and like lets them know, like okay, its go time haha. (Although don’t pressure them) but typically they’ll grab your head, and sort of make it happen. I find that if you want them to come, deep-throating with a finger in the bum, just sort of teasing the ass hole, is a sure fire way all the time. If bums aren’t your or your man’s thang, also cupping the balls and tugging relatively gently helps, This will pull all the skin tight on his erect penis, making everything more sensitive.
– When he is cumming, moan, tell him its yummy. And lick it all up. Don’t just stop sucking his dick the second you taste cum, make the orgasm last as long as possible. Milk your man! Keep pumping his dick, or whatever you were doing, until you’re sure he’s fully finished. He’ll probably be twitching and pushing you off, because its crazy sensitive, but don’t you dare leave until he’s like fully done unloading and can’t take anymore! Follow through the orgasm to get its fullest payoff.
– Not for the faint of heart. But sometimes holding the cum in your mouth, and swirling it around the tip after can really feel good for your man. Also sometimes they like to see you licking it up. I always lick my dicks squeaky clean after I get them off. With lots of moaning of course. (*not for everyone)
– Some guys hate this, but running your fingertips or nails all over his body after he’s came can feel amazing.
In a nutshell (heh) just be enthusiastic & playful, be vocal, & enjoy it (I mean hopefully you are, but if not, try to look like you are), make it sloppy, and switch it up. I guarantee you that this will make him come back for more! It’s not a race, pleasure is pleasure, and make every moment count. Make sure you’re on the same page with any bum stuff, before you surprise him with that too! Lastly, these tips aren’t one size fits all, so as always, communication is key, as well as reading your mans verbal and physical cues if he’s enjoying something, or not.
It’s funny how one’s sexual tastes evolve over time. It’s so random too! Like you may have NEVER wanted to do butt stuff with one partner, then all of a sudden, it’s all you do with another! It just varies though from partner to partner. I think that is what makes sex so fun! It can be so unpredictable! It should be spontaneous, different and exciting & of course… a little dirty. If not, where is the fun in it? It’s like any activity. You should constantly be re-inventing new ways of doing it. Better ways. More creative ways. It’s like art. In fact, it is an art. One does not simply paint the same scenery of trees for their entire art career. If they do, you better bet that it’s going Pablo Picasso, from a more realistic approach to abstract cubism. Moreover, they are always experimenting and wetting their paintbrush in different ways & unique rhythms.
That is why the appeal of new partners is such a draw. It automatically switches up everything so drastically, that its no wonder people can tend to be… well… a little slutty. It’s also what makes being in a committed relationship such a challenge! You constantly need to reinvent yourself to keep it from going stale. As one who was in a six-year committed relationship, I know how hard it can be. You get in a mundane routine, and it gets so boring, that eventually you barely have sex anymore at all! That kiddos is the death of a relationship! So I’m writing telling you, switch it up! Break from routine! If you’re helplessly single right now too (I feel ya) then enjoy the differences from every partner! Even if they are bad differences! Now you know what you don’t like! If its god-awful too, its usually always a funny story later! xx