Author: Nikki

Hopeless romantic, with endless optimism for brighter days.

Sparring

How often do you and your partner fight?

Is it constant, or almost never? What’s actually healthy?

I’ve personally always been of the mind, fighting in a relationship often is a massive indication that relationship is not serving either of you- and you should probably get out of it stat! However, having a little spat with my partner yesterday – I was not of that mind at all. Now that being said, we don’t fight often whatsoever. So its inevitable at some point in the six years we would encounter the odd fight – we are human. In that moment though, my reaction wasn’t we aren’t meant to be together, or he’s the worst. It was all just a big misunderstanding! … But isn’t that what they always say? Isn’t that basically the whole reason of a fight – is just misunderstanding one another? (I am not talking about abusive, insane below-the-belt fighting here also just to preface this more accurately.)

So how do we misunderstand someone who we deem to be the closest too? The simplistic answer is people are often misunderstood and you can never truly know what’s happening in someone’s head – and therefore, BOOM, misunderstanding is bound to occur. In reality though its such little micro moments, gestures, phrases, that can just intensify at moments notice to a breaking point. I think its repetition that is the devil of it all. It’s the things you’ve been nagging about, or pointed out more than once. Or the behaviors that keep occurring. Noticing those patterns and one day boiling over about it. At least that’s my experience.

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil,” wrote Edmund Burke, “is for good men to do nothing.” Burke reminds us that, in a fallen world, evil has a momentum of its own. It needs no push to get it started; it’s already under way, and unless we take steps to consciously resist it, evil will overtake us in a glacial advance. Marriage partners should remember Burke’s words this way: “The only thing necessary for our marriage to become cold, angry, and loveless is for us to do nothing at all.” In the busyness of life, when we”
― Tim Downs, Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love

This quote sort of sums up these behaviors or consistent words, that instead of your partner trying to change, avoid or fix them, they let it stay the same. Thus instigating a fight!

I think a fight can be useful to the be the catalyst to cause a disruption to previous behaviour, and call it out.

It’s up to the people fighting of whether or not they will compromise or sacrifice their current state of being, or actively be the change. I truly believe this is the only way forward to actually remedy the thing they were fighting about. The needle needs to move. That can take time and patience, and some setbacks sometimes. As long as progress towards the end goal is being made in a quantifiable shown effort – I think the fight was actually a purposeful shake up to break up what was dragging the relationship down.

To be honest this is much more a diary entry than an advice paragraph. I’m sitting here post-fight of me telling my partner he needs to make an effort to take me on specific dates, and plan them and step up. And his subsequent reaction that I “went about it the wrong way, and berated him for 20 minutes on a nice evening” (We were driving home from a concert (that I had planned).)

Meanwhile in my head, I’ve brought this up multiple times, I wasn’t trying to instigate a fight, just was saying how that night was fun, and I desire more of that. I was trying to communicate, that I want more of that. Somehow I suppose my delivery was misconstrued and I became the bad guy, and not grateful of what he does do. Which in my mind, is all extremely valid points, and I don’t think I was that mean, but he saw it differently.

Once I prodded it out of him (as he just basically gave me the silent treatment) that he was mad at me because of this, I made an active effort to prioritize a fix. I didn’t back down from what I said, but reframed it much nicer, and gentler, and pulled us into perspective that this is for the enrichment of both of us, and I didn’t mean it to come off ungrateful or mean spirited. I reaffirmed I loved him, and understood how it may of came across poorly to him. I think it worked, we kissed, made up and seem to be moved on.

I have obviously been ruminating on it today though. I have residual guilt for being the cause for the fight. I was just communicating though – right? I worry, is he still mad at me? I should make it up to him? What nice things can I do today?

Which frankly I think its GOOD. We need to feel remorse and guilt, but also want to bolster back up our relationship. That’s the remedy. That’s the whole point of a fight, to bring you back closer together stronger than ever.

So to summarize. I think humans are wired to fight. It will happen. You need to jab and cross and weave in the boxing ring briefly to hash stuff that happens out! However, their should never be a reigning champ. You both need to walk away from the ring feeling just amped up, energized, and happy that you were in it together, and left it together all the happier for it. I’m still figuring out how to fight. It is seldom, so I don’t much practice. All I can do is try to be empathetic, and better myself, and try to not sweat the small stuff. Life is too short. Your partner is who you love most in the world, so treat them like that – and I think if the relationship is right, they will follow suit and do the same.

XX

Fight fair!

How to Ask for What You Want

Picture this.

The honeymoon phase is over.

The sex is less frequent. Less exciting.

Effort is dwindling.

Everything just feels a little less *titilating*

… Now what?!

It’s not that things are totally bad. You still like your partner, and they aren’t straight up ignoring you. However, the sex has become mundane and routine, and when they roll over to go on their phone the second after they cum, you just feel a lot less desirable and a lot more frustrated.

What now? Are you just doomed to the suburban housewife lifestyle and aside from perhaps some occasional fun birthday or vacation sex it’s just pretty vanilla?

Hopefully not!

It’s time to take action girl!

Hopefully you’ve processed the few stages of grief of your sad sex life quickly (below is a little reminder for you) ….

The 7 stages of grief

  • Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
  • Pain and guilt.
  • Anger and bargaining.
  • Depression.
  • The upward turn.
  • Reconstruction and working through.
  • Acceptance and hope.

…. and are into the upward turn phase! So how do we get it upward turned… literally? Time to get that dick rock hard again saying good morning to you; furthermore, you need to be happy to receive a little wake-up call. Now there are some more obvious answers such as:

  • Pull out the lingerie
  • Plan a sexy vacation
  • Get a wax
  • Get a new toy
  • carve out time specifically for some love-making
  • watch some videos together

All those generic examples – which while ARE helpful, I truly don’t think they fix it.

You need the romance back, the passion and lust.

You need to kiss more. KISS all the time! This always goes out the window, like have a make-out session, or ten! Hold hands! Bring back touching, affection. Try to snuggle in bed a bit, or on the couch. Feed each other some strawberries, or soup, it doesn’t matter if it is inherently a sexy item. It’s about reconnection on a deeper level. You’ve already “gone deep” so the reward of sex is not enticing anymore, as it once was in the initial phases of dating. Scratch their back. Have a little bit of Public Display of Affection if you can muster it. Once you start rebuilding the little things that brought you closer together initially, it will trigger the sex to come back without ever even focusing on that as the end goal.

Here are some suggestions to implement to make this happen:

  • put away the phone
  • seriously put it away, leave it in your bedroom while you watch a movie together or have coffee together
  • hold hands more often intentionally. Studies prove that there is an overwhelming amount of benefits to holding your partners hand.
  • make time to have conversation one on one everyday if possible, even if its brief
  • Be more flirty, make some jokes, and try to remember maybe some inside ones from the past and incorporate a “throwback” date night of one of your most fun dates
  • Surprise your partner! With a new type of cuisine, a different movie or game, a trip, a fun date night out, new clothes for them that are a little out of character, a fish or a new plant, anything!
  • Don’t wait for them to make the first move or reciprocate. It is SO easy to start to do things to reignite the relationship, and feel like your partner is not trying at all on their end, get frustrated and just give up entirely. Please don’t give up! Eventually they will realize how much you’re trying and start to appreciate it. If they don’t after a very long effort, while perhaps the relationship really has come to a close, in which case none of these tips will fix that problem for you, and that’s a whole other conversation.
  • Post a picture of them on social media randomly with a heart felt compliment. While this seems a little more performative it really lets your partner know that you’re proud to show them off and can be that little extra bit of love they feel from you.
  • Babysit. This sounds weird, but collectively taking care of either an animal or a child, together, can really be a fantastic way to bond, and break up your routine.
  • Throw a dinner party with your closest friends. While involving friends seems counter-productive, if you intentionally invite their closest pals, it really shows you’re invested in creating a fun night for them, which in turn makes them appreciate you all the more.

If you even do just a few of these, the sex is sure to follow. I think sex wanes, when the relationship becomes predictable and more comfortable very naturally. Its not a problem, but like anything living and breathing, it needs to be nurtured and taken care of to blossom. The great news is, on top of getting some solid sexy time back, you’ll inherit a whole lot of other positives from putting in the effort all around. Remember its normal for the sex to slow down, but it’s extraordinary to be able to bring it back and it is easily doable!

xox

Don’t yell at me

When did it become a norm to berate, yell, and spew hate towards other humans just casually? Today only, I’ve witnessed three very separate incidences where humans were just being rather awful to one another. If you have a difference of opinion that is one hundred percent okay, in fact I think it’s rather neat. That is what makes the human race exciting and interesting that we all have different upbringings, life experiences, and thoughts swirling around our brains. It does not give you the right to enforce those thoughts onto others; especially in a very aggressive, public manor. Nor should it cause this domino effect of cancel culture because somebody said or did something a little off (in most pedestrian type cases, some exceptions*) Humans have collectively seem to forgotten about empathy, and basic, polite communication skills. It’s absolutely not appropriate to yell at strangers and touch or provoke them ever.  It should not be championed that people are in screaming matches with ‘bad people.’ It causes such huge clashes and is very dangerous. Every single human deserves to feel safe when they walk into a public space. Whether you are Black, White, Indigenous, Asian, disabled, queer, gay, trans, straight, conventionally beautiful, conventionally ugly, tattooed, pierced, short, tall, fat, skinny, mid-sized, rich, poor, blue collared or white collard, of any walk of life, you should be able to walk down the street without fear. Everybody deserves respect. Everybody deserves their personal space. Everybody deserves some humanity. If you don’t like their appearance, gender, sexuality, body, fashion, status that’s totally okay. That’s your prerogative and different strokes for different folks. That does not give you any right to mistreat them. You are not god. You are not the centre of the universe. You are not superior. Keep your ego in check. Be kind. You don’t know what people are going through, you haven’t lived their life. Of course disagreements will occur, but can we try to do it without destroying one another. Politely addressing concerns in a non-threatening way? Having good old fashioned debates? “He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.” Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human: A Book for Free Spirits . If you are so unstable, and passionate about your grievances, then really you are not thinking logically. So as Nietzsche elegantly says, put your thoughts on ice, and find a proper avenue and receptive space to figure out you problems. Don’t yell at me. Don’t be an asshole. Play nice.

Dildo Daze

So I tried my first dildo yesterday! 

How’s that for an opening line? You’re also probably shocked, with me, being a connoisseur of sex advice and owning a blog entitled Sexual Innuendo, its often shocking to everyone I don’t own any sex toys…. until now. There goes my go-to ‘never have I ever.’ Alas, all good things must come to an end, and my steady supply of dick has been rather unavailable as of late, so dildo here we come! As to why I’ve never owned one, I’ve thought about it tons, but just never felt compelled enough to bother investing. Luckily I’ve been blessed in my twenty-six years on the planet, that I can usually get a good dicking pretty easily. I’ve also never had a partner ever be into toys, so it’s just never really happened. This though is not only for my own pleasure but for science! Research!

I purchased a rather generic, rabbit style, purple and gold little number courtesy of amazon. It’s got some vibration settings, water-proof, all the normal sort of standard features. My first thought when I held it to my clit, was “holy fuck I’ve been missing out” but after having a little solo session, I was honestly pretty underwhelmed. I’m not in love with the vibration, it just feels a little too intense, but somehow not enough simultaneously. I tried turning it off and just used it as a dick essentially, but it just felt sort of hollow and just not quite the same. So as predicted, a dick, fingers, or tongue is much preferable. However, that being said, it did the trick in the end, and it won’t be the first or last time I use it. I feel as though with further experimentation I can probably get a better sort of feel for how to use it too, it was an adjustment to sort of fuck myself, so I will definitely be trying some different techniques in the coming days. My wrist definitely thanked me for not going to town on myself with just my right hand, Jill. Also, it’s probably ideal I won’t be found dead, in my bathtub with my fanny inverted awkwardly up to the faucet, while I’m practically drowning trying to get off, because my ass keeps closing the drain.

Some things you just can’t replicate. Filling the void with, cookies, exercise, shopping or dildos is sometimes all we have though, and its a nice temporary fix. I’m thankful I’m privileged enough to try these things, but also fortunate enough that I don’t really need to if I don’t want to either. In the meantime, I’m really missing my man who is in Australia, but coping in the healthiest ways I can think of. My wish to all my lovely readers is that you’re getting off regularly and whether it be from your own hands, dildos, dicks, or mouths, or other vaginas, know your sexual gratification is important. It’s natural and lovely and nothing to be ashamed of and I highly recommend if you can think of any ways to improve it, you do! Happy humping lovelies xox

Image result for tasteful orgasm face picture

What’s wrong with being confident?

Despite what some might believe, confidence is something you need to actually work on. Some people are born with inherent confidence of course, but you have to reinforce mentally the thoughts that help perpetuate confidence. I think at the root of it is loving yourself though. If you don’t love yourself and who you are, how can you be confident in what you have to offer? 

Now if you’re like, ‘greatttttt I don’t really like myself.’ I have to ask you why? What is it you don’t like about yourself? If its behavioural characteristics… change them.

>>For Example: If you don’t like how you’re always negative. Start exercising positive beliefs. Affirm them to yourself. Wake up each morning and state 5 good things. Next day do 6, then do 7. Reinforce positive patterns. Soon it becomes a little more second-nature. Everything is all within your power. You can change your thought patterns, and help mould them into what you want to be. For every bad thought you have, think of five things that negate it.

Now physically if you have some problem areas you don’t like about yourself, I admit that is a little more challenging to overcome. Now, of course, the generic answer is to change them too. However, that can become very extreme and get out of hand quickly and doesn’t always garner the positive results you expected. So that’s really not a great solution. Although, If you need that boob job to feel confident, do it, get it! That being said, I firmly believe that you can accept the things you cannot change (at least not change easily, safely and cheaply) and be at the very least, at peace with them. So you have a big nose, or small tits, or a bit of a belly. So what? A lot of people do. Nobody’s perfect. Some of the most confident, sexy people are even more alluring because of the fact they embrace and flaunt what some people would deem as flaws. It’s pushing past those barriers that this ‘fault’ you see is what kills you in the water. A big nose doesn’t negate the fact all the other wonderful things you have going for you. It can make you relatable, attainable, and have something for yourself to poke fun at. Lots of positives can just totally cancel that out too. If you have incredible eyes, nobody is looking at your nose. Plus I guarantee something you dislike, others might kill for. Appreciate your body for being your most treasured possession. You could’ve been born a scorpion or penis-fish. Look at your beautiful flesh and bones, and love it! Obviously, people have some deep-rooted self-esteem issues that can’t be fixed by these mere words on a page. But in spite of some insecurities, you can for sure still be an overall confident individual! Also, all the things you are insecure about, most people don’t even notice because they are busy worrying about their own silly insecurities. All the ‘problems’ you think you have are guaranteed not unique to you or new. Everyone has them. Remember we are all in this together.

No one is stopping you from being the best version of yourself except you. Remember, you are in control of your manifest destiny. AKA: Fake it till you make it. If you put yourself out there, and tell yourself you can be confident and work a room… guess what, all of a sudden you sort of can. Put your mind to it and it will start to become a reality. When you feel in control, that’s when you can be your best self. Tell yourself that being uncomfortable is your great strength and that you can turn it around, even when you may not be the smartest or most fun person in the room. If you believe you can, that’s 75% of the battle. Fear holds a lot of people back… don’t let it imprison you!

Speaking of fear, you can’t let it control you. You have to be open to the fact that, you just might make a fool out of yourself. Some people won’t like you. You might say the wrong thing. You might straight-up embarrass yourself sometimes. The sexiest and most confident thing you can do in a moment of weakness is laugh it off. If it doesn’t phase you, and you can laugh along, you’re doing everything right. You aren’t always going to do the right and best thing, and be this suave, Don Juan, and that’s ok! True confidence is just going balls to the wall anyway, and not being upset over possible results, whether they are good or bad. You have to become comfortable with the fact that failure is always an option. Life is too short to not just be yourself, and be comfortable in your own fabulously unique skin!

 

My evolution of confidence has been quite the arc. Rewind to a decade or two ago and I was a very self-conscious kid. I tried somewhat hard to fit in, in my younger years but found that most of the time, I didn’t. For a brief time it consumed me. I wanted to be liked so bad, and that fear of saying the wrong thing, or conducting myself in an unbecoming manner, and having so much doubt it my own personality and abilities, just made me get worse! My self-esteem and confidence were at an all-time low in middle school. I didn’t really have any close friends at school, and the one I did have was honestly a shitty friend. Luckily, I was blessed that I became a member of a Musical group with mixed ages and genders, that was very tight-knit. I felt confident and like I belonged in the group since we all had a shared talent for music. They were very much, ‘my people.’ This enabled me to not overthink everything I did, and just be myself. Which when I was my own unabashed self, it was the ultimate best and most alluring side of me. I started to come into my own. As I garnered really rewarding friendships outside of school, I started to realize which ‘friendships’ inside school were toxic and doing me no good. Through some just convenient timing of certain ‘friends’ moving away, and myself realizing I deserved more, I became a bit of a loner for the first part of high school. You know what though, even though it was a bit lonely, it made me stronger. I held my head high, as I knew I had amazing friends outside of school and I didn’t care what the snooty kids at my school thought of me. I kept my headphones on in the halls, and ate lunch in the art room most days and just did me, and learned to enjoy my own company. Was it sometimes a little lonely, OF COURSE, but most days I found many comforts in my perfect playlists, and burying my head in art. I was very content in myself and started to hone my own style. After a while, I think my own swagger I had rocking, while most girls at my age in my position would’ve been sad little souls, started to catch the attention of people. They were attracted to my interesting fashion choices and my bold quiet confidence. I quickly acquired a new group of friends. One’s of my selection, who I was excited to be friends with. They were equally excited to be friends with me. How good friendships should be built, with mutual admiration and respect for one another. Once that started to take hold, my confidence skyrocketed even further. These people in school, and outside of it liked me, for my weird, art/music kid quirks and all. My new group of school friends, not only laughed at my weird sexual innuendo jokes but encouraged them! I was riding high on life, and the positive reinforcement from everyone around me really brought it home. Guys started to like me after this, I got a boyfriend, one of the hottest guys at our school. I was on cloud nine!

Ever since then, I’ve faltered. I went through a very deep depression when aforementioned boyfriend broke up with me on my first day of college. My confidence suffered greatly. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. I turned to tumblr & writing to vent my feelings. My friends got tired of hearing about how sad I was and I felt very alone. My confidence was at an all-time low. I was suicidal, and in a big rut, I feared I would never escape. However thank god for some key friends, some new ones at the time, and my family for helping dig me out of that dark hole. I also found the strength in myself that I wanted to be happy, and pulled myself and fought tooth and nail to get out of that darkness. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It took a lot of time, and a lot of persistence to get through. I ended up getting back together with my first mentioned boyfriend, but that’s another huge story for another day. I was able to build my confidence up slowly and surely and recognize my worth. It was a process. Some days I’m much more confident than others, but I always try my best to be. It helps I’m naturally outgoing and enjoy engaging with others. I have a very natural bravado I’m blessed with. These days I am very self-assured in who I am, how I feel, and how I want to feel. I know what I deserve, and know what is pure bullshit. I quickly and swiftly remove anyone or anything that makes me feel lesser than. It’s meant giving up jobs and long friendships, but it made me love myself and love my life. If you ever think things can’t get better, I’ve been to the lowest of lows, strangling myself with my laptop charger, to now writing to you on my laptop how grateful I am that I am able to do this now. So chin up, walk like you own the place and are on the catwalk, and go get em’ tiger! You can do it, I know it! ❤ xx

 

Lonely

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Have you ever felt so lonely, you just didn’t even know if you could make it out of bed? That even masturbation lost its appeal? That you just wanted to curl up in a ball and cease to exist? I sure have.  Loneliness has been a continuous theme throughout my life. Even as a child, I felt isolated a lot of the time. It has always ebbed and flowed though, and I think it always will. It can be a companion at times, that even if you have no one, you always have your own misery and self-pity. It is a slippery slope to further mental health downfalls, which lets depression, harm and extreme doubt sneak into your life. I have actively been trying to avoid negativity in my life, and don’t want to fall into those dark patterns. How can one stay positive amongst all the negative though?

The thing I certainly have going for me, is I’ve always been an optimist at heart. Luckily 99% of the time I’ve been able to foresee the light at the end of the tunnel at that becomes my driving force. I think that’s all anyone needs, just some shred of light in order to hold on. I’m 3/4 of the way through A Million Pieces by James Frey, it is the story of a young alcoholic and abuser of other drugs and his experience in rehabilitation. This quote really resonated with me, “Be strong. Live honourably and with dignity. When you don’t think you can, hold on.” I think you just need to keep keeping on, and do the best you can, and do the best you can by others, and as Avril Lavigne sings Keep Holding On, let that be your soundtrack and your mantra. All great things take time, even the most privileged of people aren’t handed everything. They still need to fight for love, respect, and much more. Stories like James Frey’s, and countless others are just a testament to the fact it does get better, no matter how low your rock bottom is. I know this to be true because even though I’m nowhere near where I want to be at this exact moment in life, I am positive I’m a lot further along than where I was. At my lowest, I cried every day, I thought about suicide like clockwork, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to see anyone, & I just wanted to die, die, die, and those thoughts consumed me. Today, it’s only every other hour that happens, kidding. Thankfully those thoughts are far and few between, and when I get that gut feeling, I immediately take action on it to nip it in the bud. I reach out to my network of friends and family. To my list of small things that make me happy. Try to accomplish something on my tried and true list that will bring a little light into my life.  So I’d like to take a moment to write down a little collection of things I’m grateful for & that make me happy:

  • Fresh Cut Grass & lying in it
  • Kissing someone really good
  • Lightning and thunderstorms
  • Music! (violin, guitar, piano, singing, listening, playing, whatever)
  • Fresh baked cookies
  • Complimenting friends
  • Looking through good memories
  • Photography
  • cilantro!
  • Writing
  • My cat, Jimmy
  • Decorating cakes, when the icing turns out flawlesssss
  • Any random pets or animals really
  • Getting asked out by someone you’re crushing on
  • Warm cozy blankets on a cold night
  • Giggle fits with friends
  • Binging an entire series that you’re really into with great snacks
  • Seeing your friends accomplish something great
  • When your writing looks nice
  • Getting a personalized letter in the mail
  • Family Dinners
  • Dog Tricks
  • Sleeping in after a long night
  • Memes
  • Snuggles

Just some thoughts as I’ve been feeling quite lonely as of late, and wanted to spread the word that it is okay and perfectly normal to feel that way. However, its the actions you take to improve that really count and can truly improve you and your situation, and enable you to “Just Keep Swimming.”  Get off the dating apps…. or get on, get that confidence boost. Post that photo for attention, or just get off social media all together! Do what you need to do to surround yourself with positive energy, and I truly believe the world will come to reward you for that.

What are some of your best ways to combat loneliness? Comment below! I’d love to hear! xoxox

“Love is the whole thing. We are only pieces” Rumi

Serendipity

“Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together?
Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.”
― Emery Allen

 

I feel this to be true. The universe does work in peculiar ways in my experience, and I swear absolutely everything in my life always seems to come full circle at some point or another. Even if it’s not always the most pleasant of bookends, I do believe the universe seeks connections and experiences to be fulfilled at some point.

I’ve had way too many coincidences to think that they are just simply that…. a coincidence. I think its also small tests though. To see if you’re strong enough to say no to old flames. To see if you made the right call. Make sure that you were confident in the decisions that had them enter and leave your life, and maybe pop up once or twice again.

This past summer I ran into more ex flings/lovers than I could even fathom. It was straight up out of a rom-com, where the lead (myself) could not catch a break! So this occurred late June I believe. I had just broken up with my current boyfriend and was feeling very unsure of that decision (See >> https://sexualinnuendo.ca/2019/05/16/202/ ) so needless to say, I was emotionally vulnerable. I was also a little depressed, and frankly a lot horny. Fast forward to my two friends’ joint birthday party at a large rooftop bar downtown, with pretty much my entire group of friends, having a great night, drinking lots of beverages, getting tipsy. Enter high school crush #1, we will call him Edward, and I immediately turn into a useless, giddy teenage girl again. I was actually flirting with another random when I saw him, and completely just ditched talking to him to grab a drink at the bar with Edward and his friend right away. Not a lost thought for the poor guy I just completely abandoned. Some people you just can’t say no to. Edward is one of those guys. In high school, we were always flirty, but it was usually pretty one-sided on my end, having the biggest boner for him possible, while he mostly extorted me for free gum. I’ve run into him throughout the years post-school though, and we even had some make-out sessions and one blowjob on my best friend’s bed. So there was a lot of history. We hit it off in no time, and start kissing quite quickly. At some point, though he leaves to go see his friend or something, and I just return to my friends, no big deal. Enter old flame numero 2, we will call him Dean. Dean is THAT guy. The guy that could have, would have, should have, but was always just a dick.

Dean was my on-again-off-again friend with benefits for just over a year. I was in love with him, but he never returned that sentiment. We had SO much fun together. He was (and is to this day) the best sex I’ve ever had, no contest. He was a complete asshole though, leading me on constantly, horrible at communication, just toying with my emotions endlessly. Then he ghosted me stone-cold one day, and I returned the favour right back. So my surprise when I saw him, standing at the bar, was intense, because I hadn’t seen or heard from him in over a year. After a year of some of the most passionate rendezvous, I have ever experienced, it abruptly ended. With a lot of warranted anger on my end. As there was a bit of a blow out that led to our ignoring of one another (that’s a bit of another story entirely though.) He sheepishly approaches me, and I’m tipsy enough to let him. Much to my shock, his first words are, ‘I totally understand if you want to slap me right now, and never talk to me again, but I saw you awhile ago, and I had to say hi, and I had to say I’m sorry.’ Which made me melt, because a man I had been waiting on an apology from for over a year, right away did just that. I told him, of course, I won’t slap you, I’m happy to see you (which I was.) However, I knew better than to trust garbage from his mouth with all of the dirty he had done me in the past. Being kind of drunk and validated though I bought into it. He further continues into a deeper, really genuine sounding apology, and it seemed quite authentic. Me being low-key still a little in love with him ate it up and accepted it. Although I was having very conflicting thoughts about it all, but it felt good so I went with it. Then I asked if he was currently single because I was drunk and curious & noticed we kept getting closer throughout our conversation. He says, lets both say our status on the count of three and sure enough, we are both single! Go figure. Thus, commence dancing, which turned into grinding, which turned into making out. Now I know you’re thinking as you’re reading this, why am I giving the time of day to this asshole, and my answer is, I was stupid, vulnerable and a little drunk, and we’ve just got the most undeniable chemistry I’ve ever experienced with anyone. At any rate, after a little dancing and smooching, he says he needs to catch up with his friend and will be right back, just had to go let him know where he had buggered off to for like an hour. Which totally fair, whatever. So I re-join my friends.

A little time passes, that seems like an eternity, and I’m starting to fear the worst, that he fucked off on me again, and that I’m an idiot, and that I really shouldn’t be making out with this dickwad.

Enter Edward again. Which now I’m like even MORE emotionally vulnerable after thinking I just got ditched, and he’s feeling pretty fine again. So we quickly begin macking on each other, which like holy shit! As I’m literally just pulling away from a snog from Edward though, who reappears way later than they insinuated… Dean motherfucking Dean, is like, heyyyy. So I have to introduce Dean to Edward, and we all briefly SUPER awkwardly chat, but holy shit my mind is racing as to, who the hell I’m going to continue hanging with. They are literally both side by side facing and looking at me, both looking ready to grab me and make-out or whatever with me. Like I’m this piece of meat they need to fight over. My brain literally is broken. Like who do I pick?? Dean?? Edward? Dean? Neither??!!! (in retrospect neither was the best choice) I mean they are both rather undeserving, and I swear to god I just screamed frustration into my shirt in front of them and like froze. I just stopped talking haha. Like I literally couldn’t fathom what was happening and when I sort of looked up after having this small panic attack, Dean was sort of the one there grabbing me saying let’s go. So I went with Dean. To be honest to my vagina was doing the talking a bit, and I knew that the night with Dean was going to be probably more fun sexually speaking. So off we went. I felt really bad about ditching Edward but it just sorts of happened before I could really do anything about it, then my choice was made. (For the record, I texted him and apologized later on for my weird behaviour.)

Dean and I grab a cab and after me not making any decisions, he just takes me to his house. Which is conveniently a block away from my most recent exes (Christ!) I wasn’t positive I wanted to have sex with Dean. But as stated before, our connection and chemistry is literal insanity, and I just couldn’t resist. We fucked like animals. It was insane. I was just soaking wet before we even did anything major. We moved into the shower pretty quickly early on and stayed in there for literally 2 hours, with Vance Joy as our soundtrack & candles being our only light source. Romantic much? It was hard not to bone like bunnies. We went TO TOWN on one another. Butts, tongues, fingers, dick, it was hard to even know what was going on where at what time! We went at it for hours and it was honestly incredible. Truly. Like I don’t know why or how but our sex is just on a whole other level than anyone else I’ve been with. When we FINALLY finished we snuggled and had a really deep chat. I slept over, and we woke up and fucked again. I could barely even do it I was so sore from our late-night session hours before haha, but we managed anyway. It was pleasant though, and then he drove me to my car which was much appreciated. We kissed goodbye with no words regarding the future. So it was just a great fuck for old time’s sake. However a nice bookend to the Dean saga. It was really validating I wasn’t just ignored forevermore. It all came full circle. On my terms, with an apology and a nice fuck for good measure haha. I honestly don’t feel any regret or guilt and nor do I feel any longing for him anymore. I think I will always have feelings for him that are somewhat present, but I’m very at peace that we are not meant to be and he was a great learning experience. You never marry the man who gives you the best sex. So I’ve been told anyways… I’m very much hoping to change that theory with my future hubby.

I have a multitude of lessons learned from that whole learning experience. Who knows if he will ever resurface again, but I’m ok if he does not. So I think the universe really just wanted that whole hurt resolved and tucked away with a bow.

Fast forward to a few weeks later with Edward. After texting an apology for sort of ditching him at the bar, we started chatting and he invited me to a Canada Day party he was having. I decided to go with my beautiful friend Maxine. We show up, and its literally, Edward, Maxine and I. Apparently we missed the actual ‘party?’ We proceed to drink with him regardless and make art together (he’s an artist.) At first, we are flirty as all hell, but throughout the course of the evening, he proceeds to move his affection from me to my best friend Maxine.  At the end of the evening, he tries to kiss her right in front of me, which was just a dick move. Like don’t be making out with me at the bar a week before, flirting a lot afterwards, and invite ME out, & then make moves on my friend. So I think the universe literally just wanted to validate my choice of taking Dean home instead of him the previous week. It also wanted me to follow through though just so I wouldn’t have that ‘what if’ feeling.

I truly think everything is meant to be, and everything happens for a reason. These serendipitous events always leave an interesting impact, and can really shape how you choose to lead your life after they’ve thrown a curveball into your path. I like to think something’s looking out for me, that karmic energy that rewards the good I feel I am outputting, and I hope these funny coincidences are meant as a little nugget towards the path to true happiness. Here’s hoping! xx

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I think I need to break up with my boyfriend.

It’s so damn hard though.

 

It’s not like he did some cathartic bad deed that provoked me into this decision. He’s still a wonderfully sweet man, with many amazing qualities. It’s like I baked myself an ALMOST perfect cake, but the icing just doesn’t want to cooperate. The ingredients are all in there, measured with accuracy, and it’s still a cake, and you could eat the cake and be pretty happy with it. However, you could definitely have an even BETTER cake. You don’t want to waste your calories on the okay cake when there is a superior cake better suited to you, do you? I mean I don’t. That’s how I feel about my man. He’s a perfectly tasty cake, but I know that there is another variety of cake that’s just more my speed. They always say though, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. So am I simply being too picky about my cake? Evidently, I’m confused and have a craving for cake.

I’ve been seeing him since January, which is a pretty decent chunk of time. While I love him as a person, I’m not in love with him. I feel five months in, you’re usually head over heels if the relationship was going to progress that way. I also just don’t really see that white-picket future with him, that I have felt in the past with others. So now comes the horrible part with, how do you break up? I’ve always loathed confrontation, and break-ups are some of the absolute worse forms of just that. No matter what justification I have in my mind about the break-up its always heart wrenching to deliver any sort of cliff note version of that to a person you have grown to care for, and now have to say goodbye. It’s an approaching curve that you know is coming, but they have no way of preparing for. My inherent need to please people just makes breaking it off a near impossible task. I’ve in the past stayed in relationships much longer than necessary, because I kept making excuses, that maybe the feelings will grow. Maybe it will get better. All the while knowing deep in my gut, I was just being a coward and hurting both of us in the process. Anyways, it’s my burden to bear, and I will do it when the time feels right and I work up the courage to do it.

It is so frustrating that you found someone you thought would pan out, and all that work and learning about them just seems a little useless. Don’t get me wrong, there is value in those relationships. I just feel so dejected to have to go back to square one each time a romantic relationship fails. I just hope that the next man I meet that sticks around more than a few dates, that I will have the clarity early on, and so will they, that we are perhaps meant to be.